When it comes to sex and relationships, definitely one of the most common concerns voiced by clients is whether they are having enough sex. In essence, what they really want to know is: "Am I normal?" We humans seem to have an obsession with what is normal.
So then, what’s a ‘normal’ amount of sex for a person to be having? In response to the question of what is normal frequency of sexual activity, we don’t know – unless all you want is a purely statistical report - the average based on psychological studies and surveys on how often people demographically similar to you have sex. For this question, the Australian Study of Health and Relationships 2 (http://www.ashr.edu.au/), released in 2014 provides some answers. According to this study, people in heterosexual relationships have sex an average of 1.4 times per week, young couples are more sexually active, with people in their 20s reporting having sex 2.1 times a week. Australians in their 60s have sex an average of once a week. Even so, averages mean that there are some people above and some people below any given number. When we are talking about human characteristics and behaviour, we know there is a huge variation.
Although ‘normal’ is basically a statistical term for what’s average or typical, in ordinary usage it has a judgemental and moralistic implication. That is, there is something wrong with you if you’re not doing what most other people are doing. This connotation mainly serves to increase our anxiety and puts enormous pressure on individuals and couples to pep up their sex life. Recently, a male client who was genuinely concerned asked me whether, by not being sexually active, he was putting himself at risk for health conditions such as prostate cancer. If you are asking yourself the same or a similar question, please click the link below to a recent post which addresses this very issue.
Is A Lack Of Sex Bad For Your Health? We Asked Experts | mindbodygreen
A widespread problem these days is the inability of couples to agree on how often to have sex. This tends to be touchy topic for many partners in committed relationships. In most of these cases, there is no basis on which to say that one partner’s desire is abnormally high or the other’s is abnormally low, but this discrepancy may cause huge problems nevertheless. Anger, resentment and blame are typical when levels of sexual interest do not align. This is premised on the belief many people have…that it is their partner’s responsibility to meet their sexual needs regardless of the state of the relationship and what else is going on in their life.
Even though many couples find it difficult to accept, it’s actually normal and even healthy to have differences in sexual interest. Just because you and your partner don’t have the same preferences or differ on how often sex is to occur does not necessarily mean that anything is wrong with either of you or with the relationship. Sex is not dissimilar to other differences a couple have to navigate and work through. As part of being a team in a long term committed relationship, sex is another matter (albeit more sensitive in nature) that is needed to be negotiated and a feasible solution found. Provided both partners are respectful of, and receptive to each other’s differing needs, it’s usually not an issue. I find that when couples cannot do this, the meaning of sex at least for one of the partners is deeply connected to (childhood attachment wounds) of feeling loved, desired and wanted. Therefore, if their partner responds in a dismissive and invalidating fashion to these sexual needs (which may also be connected to attachment issues), it leads to hurt feelings and ultimately, resentment.
At the end of the day, averages don’t help decide the question of what is right for a person or a couple. That’s because the frequency of sex is not equated with how satisfied couples are with their sex lives and even less so to love, happiness and fulfilment, especially for couples who have been together for a long time. If both parties are happy having sex three times a day, then that is a satisfactory agreement. Similarly, if a couple both feel okay about sex once a month, then it’s ample. So what is ‘normal’ is actually irrelevant. In the end, the more empowering and most satisfying approach is to accept your sexuality on your own terms and decide what amount is right for you and your relationship.
Finally, I will add that although I am aware of marriages where partners do not engage in any sexual activity or even physical affection, the importance of human touch cannot be under-estimated. We are wired at birth to receive physical touch from our caregivers which is critical for brain development. Studies have shown that physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging and massaging, can release oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding, trust and attachment. Therefore, a relationship devoid of physical affection is also devoid of opportunities to foster a deep level of intimacy, as touch can help to create a sense of connection and security between two people.
