Sex is a team sport
When sex is a problem in an established relationship, it is always informative (to me) whether it’s an individual or the couple who presents for help. It is generally a sign (but not always) on who is taking responsibility for resolving the issue and the extent to which the partners are willing and/or able to work as a team.
One relationship….two different sex drives
For many couples, there is a general assumption that their sex life will remain the same (typically as it was in the honeymoon stage) through all of life’s ups and downs. It can therefore be quite a shock for them to discover that it does not work that way and there are changes to adapt to as the relationship evolves.
As it’s rare for two people to have matching sex drives, it’s inevitable at times for one partner to want to have sex and the other not. To expect that your partner will always want sex when you do is not only an unrealistic but unhelpful way of thinking. Between demanding jobs, financial stresses, children, and busy schedules, it can be hard to find the time and energy to have time together not to say maintain an active and satisfying sex life. In other words, desire discrepancy is not a problem, it’s a reality.
This situation is made worse by the fact that most couples believe that great sex should “just happen.” In other words, you shouldn’t have to put any effort into your sex life. The desire, time, space, and passion for sex should just spontaneously appear at well-timed intervals. When couples finally come to the realization that it is a struggle to keep the spark alive, it can be both disillusioning and discouraging. Added to which there’s usually one partner who is more invested in trying to get things back on track than the other, a situation which potentially triggers the toxic pursuer-distancer cycle.
What most people fail to appreciate is that sex is just one of many issues a couple has to contend with in their life together. And similar to other life and relational issues, sexual concerns come down to how willing the partners are to work on it. In other words, if they approach it as a team, there’s usually something that can be done. But if one is unwilling to participate in working on the issue, then the relationship has more serious problems than just sex.
Avoid the power struggle
When confronted with differences in sex drives and sexual interests, couples are at risk of falling into a power struggle. Power struggles erode goodwill in the relationship making it feel like you and your partner are adversaries rather than intimate and sexual friends. Perhaps the most common sexual power struggle is one partner valuing, and prioritising sex and the other, an emotional connection. This can lead to an entrenched and bitter tug-of-war over who is right. In reality, the battle is not over sex but more about who is entitled to have their needs met within the relationship.
The only way to extricate oneself from this damaging no-win situation is to recognise and acknowledge that you are playing a losing game. Couples who accept that sex is a team sport involving more than one player are the ones who succeed. Using a common metaphor, both of you need to feel like you win the day-to-day battles in order to win the relationship war. Approaching a sexual encounter with the understanding that your partner is not your clone and has different needs and wants is not only freeing but facilitates the two of you to work together.
What does it mean to work as a team?
When sex is problematic, it’s usually confronting and anxiety-provoking and therefore tempting to blame our partner especially if they are the bearer of the symptoms. By this I mean for example, the male partner has erectile dysfunction or the female partner has vaginismus or either has inhibited sexual desire. But no one partner is the problem. It’s never that simple when there are two people in the picture.
A relationship is created by two individuals who have brought their personal history, insecurities, vulnerabilities, hopes, dreams and ever-evolving needs into it. Virtually every issue or situation will be interpreted differently by each partner which potentially leads to misunderstanding and conflict. For this reason, the only way a relationship is going to survive ongoing life challenges, is the capacity of the partners to work as a team. It’s not just one partner’s problem, it’s the team’s problem and they work together to come up with a solution. In short, relationship issues can only be resolved if they are approach as a “we” rather than as a “me”.
Using the analogy of team sport, if you view your relationship like a game of basketball, you can understand that sexual concerns are a collective issue and require effort from all team members in order to “win”. For example, performance anxiety which is the primary driver of psychogenic erectile dysfunction is purely psychological and is directly influenced by the way in which the partner of the person who has ED reacts as well as what the male believes the partner is thinking. Furthermore, if the partner does not see ED as a couple issue but solely the responsibility of the ED partner, their attitude is likely to exacerbate the feelings of anxiety thus maintaining a vicious cycle.
But what exactly does “working as a team” mean? Again, drawing from the sporting world, some of the common rules/principles of working as a team are as follows:
- Communicating effectively with your teammate/s (through words, non-verbal behaviour or a prepared “game plan”).
- Giving your teammate the benefit of the doubt which means that when things start to get heated, you remind yourself of their good intentions rather than interpreting their behaviour as purposefully trying to hurt or upset you.
- Understanding and forgiving a teammate when they make “a mistake”. If no one feels blamed, the game goes on and the team still has a hope of “winning”.
- Remaining calm even if the “game” is not going your way because each player has an important role in bolstering team spirit and boosting morale.
- Accepting success and “failure” with grace as it is a normal part of life to sometimes experience unwanted outcomes and learn from what didn’t work.
- Seeking help from a third party (coach/therapist) if you cannot figure it out together.
- Working as a team but taking responsibility as an individual which means that even as you work as a team, your still need to take full responsibility for the part that is solely yours.
Developing a team approach
But what if your partner is reluctant to be a team player? When your partner refuses to work with you on an issue such as your sex life, it is very disappointing and hurtful. Typical reactions include questioning their love for us and commitment to the relationship. Worse still, there is a tendency to personalise it by thinking we are not attractive or sexy enough to arouse them which can lead to feelings of despair and hopelessness. However, the reasons why someone might avoid dealing with sexual problems are often complex and deep-rooted and have little to do with how they feel about you.
From my clinical experience, the main reason why people avoid dealing with an issue is fear. Feelings of shame usually connected to having low self-esteem frequently lead to performance anxiety. It doesn’t help of course that such partners also tend to shut down or stonewall when approached about sexual concerns.
I found a blog post (on Lifehacker – see below for link) which neatly addresses this topic and provides helpful suggestions for dealing with communication gridlocks.
- Approach your partner from a place of empathy: Although you may feel angry, hurt, and resentful, approaching your partner from that place will only make them shut down even more. It will be more helpful if you approach them with an empathetic attitude knowing that fear is driving their avoidance of the problem.
- Tell your partner what sex means to you: Talking about sex often leads to conflict because it tends to focus on the logistics such as how frequently you have it, who initiates and so on. And yet sex is essentially a bonding experience. You’ll be much more successful talking to your partner if you appeal to the emotional aspects of sex. Approaching sex in this way can help your partner understand that you’re not just looking for an orgasm but to connect.
- Rule out any relationship issues: Some people need to have sex to feel connected and other people need to feel connected in order to have sex. It is a human trait that we’re more likely to be kind and generous towards our partner in one area of your relationship if we’re getting our needs met in another area. Therefore, it’s important for couples to work on both physical and emotional intimacy at the same time. If you think you’re the kind of person who needs sex to feel connected, ask your partner how they feel about your level of emotional connection. Ask what you can do to help your partner feel happier and more satisfied in other aspects of the relationship.
- Talk about it as a team effort: If you’re the one who is pursuing a more active sex life, it’s very likely that your partner thinks they’re “the problem.” They might feel a lot of pressure to change, which can lead to the fear and defensiveness mentioned earlier. But you really want to make it clear to your partner that you want to work on your sex life, and your relationship as a whole, as a team. Let your partner know that you want to understand more about their needs, and put effort into being the kind of partner that they want.
- Seek help: If it feels like you and your partner are really in a gridlock, ask your partner whether they would be willing to see a couples counsellor or sex therapist with you. Again, make it clear that you want to work on things together. If you say, “This is really important to me. Are you willing to give it a go with me?” you’re more likely to get a positive response.
- Don’t give an ultimatum: Ultimatums usually don’t work so telling your partner that you’ll end the relationship unless your sex life is fixed is likely to backfire. Your partner has to decide that they want to work on your sex life for themselves.
- Be willing to make tough decisions: At the same time, you should be willing to ask yourself some tough questions if your partner isn’t willing to work on this or other aspects of the relationship with you. It’s unrealistic to believe that your partner will fulfil all of your needs, or be a perfect fit as a lover. But relationships only work if both partners are willing to “show up” for each other. By “showing up”, I mean someone who takes your needs seriously and makes an effort to meet them. It goes without saying that this is a reciprocal process.
Sources and resources
- Sex is a team sport and there is no “I’ in team: www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201405/sex-is-team-sport-and-theres-no-i-in-team-0
- There is no “I” in partnered sex – sexual satisfaction as a team effort: www.goodvibesclinic.com.au/sexual-satisfaction-as-a-team-effort
- Sex is a team sport Sex is a Team Sport (highway989.com)
- What to do if your partner won’t work on your sex life: What To Do If Your Partner Won't Work On Your Sex Life | Lifehacker
- 9 rules for talking about sex with your partner: How to Have a Conversation About Sex With Your Partner | TIME
