As I’ve mentioned in other posts on this blog, desire discrepancy is inevitable once passion declines and real life takes over. Between demanding jobs, financial stresses, children, and busy schedules, it can be hard to find the time and energy to maintain an active and satisfying sex life. Added to which most couples believe that great sex should “just happen”, in other words, the desire for sex should be and natural and spontaneous. When this does not occur, one of the common questions couples ask me is whether they should schedule time for sex. The issue is often raised because one partner (sometimes both) is complaining that they are not having enough sex whilst the other is more interested in bingeing on their favourite Netflix show. When you’re secure with one another and life's stresses and obligations start to be more of a priority, sex sounds time-consuming and effortful.
So, how do you balance the pressures of work and other areas of your life with having a satisfying sex life? This is where maintenance sex comes in.
What is maintenance sex?
Maintenance sex is a term used to describe the concept of having sex with a long-term partner simply for sake of having sex, even when one or both partners aren’t feeling in the mood for it. In a nutshell, it is essentially “Not really in the mood but let’s do it anyway,” sex. It is done with the intent of strengthening the relationship, ensuring that the couple does not fall out of the desire to have sex entirely, as well as keeping both significant others sexually satisfied and engaged with one another.
It is a universal need as human beings to want to be wanted by others. Therefore, it goes without saying that every individual in a relationship wants to feel sexually desirable to their partner. And for many couples, making a commitment to keep sex alive through all of life’s ups and downs is their way to show up for each other and put in the effort to remain bonded.
Benefits of maintenance sex
Many sexual health professionals believe that maintenance sex is essential to the success and health of a long-term relationship because:
- It is a way to manage desire discrepancy given there will always be two different sex drives in a relationship.
- It addresses issues of a dwindling libido caused by normative factors such as the stress of parenthood, effects of ageing and health conditions which result in “…not being in the mood” for sex. Often, engaging in sexual activity in of itself (regardless of mood) re-kindles and desire and arousal. This is termed “responsive” rather than “spontaneous” desire.
- It facilitates the release of the hormone, oxytocin which is responsible for deepening an emotional bond between partners.
- It fosters intimacy by encouraging partners to talk about their sexual needs and desires. Opportunities for open communication may extend to discussion of non-sexual needs thus leading to a better relationship.
- It is a reminder that you’re still sexually desirable and wanted by your partner which helps boost self-esteem and makes the respective partners feel good.
- It helps prevent long “dry spells” which occurs when “being in the mood” never lines up.
- It gives couples something to look forward to if sexual spontaneity starts to wane with the busyness of life.
Of course there are also cons involved in maintenance sex including:
- It’s easy for it to feel too routine.
- Scheduling sex can start to feel repetitive and therefore boring.
- It can lead to one or both partners feeling pressure.
- It can become tedious to upkeep if you’re not invested.
- It can lead to being the only way you have sex (which potentially, leads to another problem).
The controversy over maintenance sex
Controversy over maintenance sex was sparked when in a recent British OK! Magazine interview, celebrity model Caprice Bourret advised women to dispense with the excuses and “take one for the team” by having five minutes of regular sex to keep their relationship happy.
Not surprisingly, her advice has triggered serious objections in many quarters. Maintenance sex has been largely maligned as a sexist, male-driven concept based on antiquated gender roles and systematic ignorance about female desire. Much of the controversy is based on an idea that presents women as passive in their sexual relationships while men are presented as dominant. Dr Pragya Agarwal a behavioural scientist and author, responded by pointing out the idea of maintenance sex relies on hetero-normative ideas that perpetuate sexist stereotypes surrounding sexuality. It reinforces the concept that men’s pleasure is seen as the point of the sexual act, and his female partner is responsible for it. Central to this notion is that “keeping your man satisfied” is still considered the ultimate act of love and a way to maintain a relationship. In short, sex is viewed as something a man needs and woman provides.
Other disadvantages of maintenance sex
Aside from issues of male and female power dynamics, the idea of maintenance sex has also not been endorsed by relationship therapists who see the need to “maintain” sex (rather enjoying it) as counter-intuitive which then leads to it becoming monotonous, dull or feel like a chore. They suggest that it may hinder rather than help to re-energise a healthy sex life because our minds will start to associate sex with something that we need to do, even if we’re not in the mood. Instead, it is suggested that a couple be proactive in communicating about the issue in the first instance and find ways to address flagging sexual desire and arousal including activities both inside and outside of the bedroom. The message here is: don’t simply have ‘maintenance sex’ because you think that will keep your partner happy. Instead, work on fostering a sense of psychological intimacy through clear and open communication.
Can maintenance sex actually work?
Given the polarising nature of maintenance sex, can it actually benefit a couple’s relationship? I believe that under the right conditions, maintenance sex can be a healthy and pleasurable part of a couple’s intimate life.
First, it isn’t just men who have sexual needs and desires. Often times it’s the woman in the relationship who has a stronger interest in sex. And the matter of maintenance sex isn’t exclusive to heterosexual couples, either.
The number one issue is of course, consent and this is where it gets more complicated. While maintenance sex is consensual sex in the sense that both parties agree to it, the concept is predicated on the idea that one partner is only having sex because they feel obliged to as opposed to actually wanting to. This potentially falls under the umbrella of “unwanted sex” or sexual compliance, that is, sexual activity consented to just to satisfy the needs of the other. It's especially a problem if there is a pattern of one person in the relationship constantly giving and not receiving, which indicates serious relationship issues beyond just sex.
One of the most important things in a relationship is safety which means that neither partner is pressured into doing something they do not feel comfortable with, especially when it comes to sex. While there are many health benefits of sex, an overall healthy relationship is one where there’s full consent. This is not to say that occasionally having sex for the benefit of your partner is always unhealthy. However, maintenance sex does not mean one person is beholden to the other person’s every sexual whim.
As sex between partners should be mutually beneficial, in order for maintenance sex to work, there must be plenty of goodwill present in the relationship as you will both be open and willing to do this for the health of the relationship. If maintenance sex occurs in the context of already feeling connected, feeling close and cared for, and caring for the other, it will strengthen the relationship.
According to one therapist*, the healthiest form of sexual maintenance is when each person feels safe to discuss their needs and desires and when time is designated to fulfilling those needs and desires. I couldn’t agree more with this idea. As it is completely normal for a couple’s sex life to ebb and flow, and might even feel like it's dwindling at times, the key is working together so that both partners have their needs met. In this context, maintenance sex is really just a way for partners to establish a regular pattern of open and honest communication about their sexual needs and desires and engaging in sexual activities so that sex isn't an afterthought in the relationship. This approach opens up a whole range of sensuous possibilities for couples to enjoy.
Rather than seeing it as a choice between “taking one for the team” or ensuring equality in intimate relationships, the key point here is about maintaining a meaningful connection with your partner. There’s no right or “normal” way to do this. Ultimately, you and your partner need to decide what works for the relationship. And it goes back to the core issue of honest and open communication. If maintenance sex is a pleasurable experience which helps you both feel closer, more fulfilled and rekindles the spark, then go for it. But if the entire idea seems off-putting and uncomfortable, it’s clearly not something you should engage in. Either way, you should never feel like you owe anyone sex.
Enjoying maintenance sex
OK…so you and your partner have decided to schedule maintenance sex as part of your relationship. Will it be fireworks to begin with? Most unlikely. The goal of maintenance sex, though, is to foster bonding and emotional intimacy. This, in turn can naturally increase sexual interest and satisfaction which is likely to actually lead to more spontaneous sex. Here are some tips for optimising the overall experience of this time together.
- 5 benefits of maintenance sex for relationships and marriage - 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage
- What is maintenance sex? It may help strengthen your marriage - What is maintenance sex? It may help strengthen your marriage (nbcnews.com)
Other sources and resources
- Why maintenance sex is so important in happy marriages - Why Maintenance Sex Is So Important in Happy Marriages (brides.com)
- No woman should ever have to have ‘maintenance sex’ with her husband - No woman should ever have to have ‘maintenance sex’ with her husband | The Independent
- Maintenance sex- the good, bad and the ugly - Maintenance Sex: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly — Between Our Thighs
- Maintenance sex –what is it and why is it so controversial? Experts weigh in - Maintenance Sex—What Is It and Why Is It So Controversial? Experts Weigh In (better.net)
- What is maintenance sex and why do people think it’s sexist? - Maintenance sex: What is it and why do people think it’s sexist? | The Independent
- Why maintenance sex is bullshit - Why maintenance sex is bullshit. With coercive rape so common place in… | by Lois Shearing | Medium
- *Is maintenance sex a load of sexist bullsh*t, or can it be a good thing? - Is Maintenance Sex A Load Of Sexist BS, Or Can It Be A Good Thing? (scarymommy.com)
