Two years ago, I wrote a piece for this blog on Can a Relationship Work If There Is No Sexual Attraction? The amount of interest generated by this post at a global level has, and continues to astound me. I have received many requests for online therapy sessions from individuals and couples around the world as well as emails from those seeking my advice on what they should do under these circumstances.
Clearly, many people are in established relationships in which they have little or no sexual attraction to their partner but do not know how to end it. For the sake of this post, I will assume feeling sexually attracted to your partner is important to you, that you have given sufficient time for sexual attraction to develop but don’t believe that it will ever emerge. Also, that you wish to exit the relationship but find it almost impossible to do so.
Let me just say first up that many people make the choice to stay in a relationship where there is no sexual chemistry with their partner. This situation is probably only workable if neither person places a high value on sex and sexual expression. In other words, they are both content with being good companions rather than lovers. There is nothing wrong with this provided both partners have similar expectations and agree to have a relationship premised mainly on friendship. In fact, many marriages evolve into this type of relationship over time due to a number of factors including the normal effects of ageing on sexual response and functioning.
However, assuming that sex is important to you but you have no sexual attraction to your partner, what stops you from leaving?
This is a question which is commonly asked. Regardless of the issue itself (which may be sexual or non-sexual) many people find themselves stuck in a relationship which is no longer working for them.
Why do people stay even though they want to leave?
It is incredibly difficult to remain in a relationship that is not meeting your needs but making the decision to leave can be even more challenging. There are many reasons why someone may choose to stay even if they want to leave. Some of the most common explanations people give for staying include practical reasons such as financial security and not wishing to change the lifestyle they have grown accustomed to. For others, the losses connected to the ending of a relationship extend to the loss of identity and/or roles of being part of a couple or family. The threat of judgment (what family, friends or our community might say) can make us believe we are a failure if our relationship ends and may prevent us from doing what we actually need or want to do. Furthermore, a fear of the unknown may have a similar effect as not being able to predict or control the future is scary for most humans. There is no guarantee that “the grass will be greener on the other side”. Therefore, the thought of leaving a relationship is daunting often accompanied by many questions and doubts leading to the conclusion that the familiar is “safe” and any alternative to staying in the relationship is too risky. People also often tell themselves that they’ve invested too much to walk away. This mindset is based on the common belief that a relationship is only of value if it continues and therefore a waste of time if it ends. This ‘all or nothing’ way of thinking does not take into account that all life experiences have inherent value in terms of cherished memories and invaluable lessons.
Why am I the type of person who stays in an unhappy relationship?
Although the above explanations are valid and frequently cited reasons for remaining in a relationship even when it’s not working, there may be a different story playing out unconsciously because nobody consciously chooses to be unhappy. Fears lurking underground are often the real reasons people feel stuck because they inhibit a person from acting in a way which is personally empowering and life enhancing.
Fear of being alone
For many people, being alone equates to loneliness. This is often connected to having low self-esteem based usually on the belief that one is inadequate or defective. Clearly this leads to not having a nurturing and caring relationship with oneself. If we do not value ourselves in the same way that we value our relationship with others, then a fear of abandonment and ultimately being alone will produce intolerable feelings of loneliness which is caused by a lack of connection with oneself. Paying attention to your self-talk (“This might be the best I can do”) will reveal beliefs about your level of self-worth.
Having an anxious attachment style
If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you deeply long for intimacy and closeness with another but also don’t trust that anyone will provide it to you in a reliable way. Whilst your pre-occupation is on getting needs met in the relationship (manifesting commonly as clinginess), your anxiety leads you to protect yourself and push the other person away first to avoid rejection resulting in a ‘push-pull’ pattern. According to Attachment Theory, this happens when our original caregivers were inconsistent in meeting our needs and we have carried this basic insecurity and hyper-vigilance into adulthood. This pattern of drama and volatility in a relationship is basically driven by a fear of abandonment, serving to keep a person stuck.
Enmeshment/under-developed self
Leaving is difficult if not impossible if one is dependent on their partner to the extent that there is little or no psychological separation. People whose sense of self is under-developed often feel conflicted and trapped. On one hand, they crave freedom and independence and on the other hand, they need the security of a relationship, even an unsatisfactory one. Anxiety about leaving a partner may be due to the fact that their parents didn’t appropriately encourage emotional separation. Such individuals have never completed the psychological work of “leaving home”, in other words, becoming an autonomous person. Therefore, going through a divorce or break-up brings with it, all of the unfinished business of becoming an adult. Ironically, it’s this enmeshment with their partner (and the fear of losing themselves completely) that makes people avoid intimacy or commitment. Instead, they may people-please or sacrifice their needs and interests, which then lead to feelings of resentment towards their partner.
Taking responsibility for your partner
Feelings of guilt as well as a sense of obligation and loyalty mean that many of us struggle to leave because we don’t want to hurt our partner or break a promise. This anxiety might be combined with our concern about our partner’s future well-being. Frequently, this is based on a belief that the partner has low or no capacity to fend for themselves and hence it would be selfish of us to prioritize our needs over theirs. What was modeled to you also has a powerful influence. If you watched a parent stay (and suffer) in a relationship that was not working, it’s more likely that you will too.
What does research say?
The idea that people also take others’ feelings into account has been supported by research (see below for link). Empirical evidence has shown that aside from weighing up the costs and benefits to themselves of being in a relationship, people are also likely to consider their partner’s situation when making a decision to stay or leave. Two factors have emerged that drive a person’s decision to stay or go: the extent to which one believes their partner is highly dependent on them (which can be viewed as valuable) and the degree to which one places a high priority on meeting the needs of their partner. In other words, people who make meeting their partner’s needs a priority in the relationship will also find it difficult to leave that relationship for fear of hurting or causing distress to the other person. In summary, they may choose to remain in the relationship even though they are not happy because of concern for the partner’s welfare.
The need to care-take, rescue or fix
Whilst it’s a sign of being a caring and empathetic person to consider your partner’s perspective and feelings, it’s another matter altogether to stay in a relationship in order to avoid inflicting pain on your partner. This mindset is often driven by a need to play the role of emotional caretaker to your partner or in some more extreme cases, the role of a rescuer. In many such situations, the attraction is not so much to the individual partner but the need to self-sacrifice, rescue or fix the person and/or the relationship. As these tendencies are shaped by childhood experiences, in particular, a reaction to unmet emotional needs, it can be difficult to let go of these roles.
Of course, that’s not to say that your partner and your relationship should be free of problems for it to be workable. It’s a given that none of us are perfect and can benefit from working on ourselves. What I’m referring to is an unbalanced dynamic in which the needs and problems of one partner take precedence and dominate the relationship. Be aware that healthy and satisfying relationships are not rooted in guilt, shame, detrimental obligation or blind loyalty. If you see yourself in the role of emotional caretaker and/or rescuer to your partner, you owe it to yourself to understand its origin especially if this is a pattern in your relationship history.
Sources/resources:
www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/talking-apes/201810/why-you-stay-even-though-you-want-leave
