There has been a lot written about the practice of mindfulness in the last two decades. Mindfulness has become prominent in the mental health field with links to positive outcomes for treating psychological disorders such a depression, anxiety, stress and drug addiction. Clinical studies suggest that mindfulness-based interventions can reduce both rumination and worry, making it an effective psychological preventive strategy to halt the development of mental health problems. Outside of mental health, mindfulness programs have been also been applied to aid in weight management, pain management, and to improve athletic performance.
In addition to psychological health benefits, there is also evidence to suggest that engaging in mindfulness may influence general physical health. Magazines such as Breathe and Focus have promoted the therapeutic benefits of mindfulness to the general public so much so that it has gained popularity as a practice in daily life in the same way as physical exercise and yoga.
Despite the growing acceptance of mindfulness as an approach in advancing specific and broader health outcomes, less has been written about its use in improving people’s sex lives. In this month’s blog post, I discuss the principles and practice of mindfulness and look at its application to the enhancement of sexual arousal and overall enjoyment of sex.
What is mindfulness?
There are a number of definitions of mindfulness. To keep it simple, I will be referring to the state of mindfulness and also to mindfulness practice. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, a pioneer in the use of mindfulness in the therapeutic setting, mindfulness is the awareness that arises from paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally. Similarly, headspace, a popular mindfulness meditation app defines mindfulness as …the quality of being present and fully engaged with whatever we’re doing at the moment — free from distraction or judgment, and aware of our thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them. Simply put, a state of mindfulness occurs when our attention is focused on the present moment. Such a skill is developed through mindfulness practice.
There are a number of myths attached to mindfulness which may deter some people from giving it a go. One such belief is that the aim of mindfulness is to cultivate a blank mind by blocking out all thoughts and feelings (something which is impossible to do). To the contrary, mindfulness trains us to be present to our thoughts and feelings whether they are pleasant or unpleasant with an attitude of curiosity, openness, and acceptance.
People also often confuse mindfulness practice with meditation. Because mindfulness practice is derived from Buddhism and therefore shares the same origins in Eastern spirituality and philosophy as meditation, those who are sceptical believe that mindfulness entails adopting the lotus position and new age mumbo jumbo. Although mindfulness is commonly practised formally through meditation (which usually involves setting aside time on a regular basis to train one’s attention ‘muscle’), it is also practised informally through non-meditation based exercises. Informal mindfulness is the application of mindful attention in everyday life, examples of which include mindful listening, mindful walking and mindful eating. In fact, any moment of your life can be mindful if you choose to focus your attention in this way. Showering, washing dishes and even brushing your teeth can be a mindful experience.
The concept and principles of mindfulness may seem simple. That being said, most people especially those new to mindfulness, find it difficult to shift their attention to what is happening moment-to-moment. This is because as humans, the default mode is for our mind to engage in thinking, planning and problem-solving. After all, that’s what it was evolved to do. It is therefore important to note that the practice of mindfulness involves refocusing or re-orienting your attention to whatever it is that you wish to focus on when you find yourself distracted. It is this mental act of refocusing, the essence of mindfulness, that the learning occurs. The process of refocusing rewires the neural connections in the brain and strengthens the attention ‘muscle’.
How is mindfulness connected to sex?
“So what has all this to do with sex?” you might ask.
Sexual functioning is optimal when mind and body are working in a connected and synchronised fashion which is described as the ‘erotic flow’. For high levels of sexual arousal to occur (which in turn lead to erections for males, lubrication for females and orgasm for both sexes), one needs to be immersed by the erotic experience. When you are highly aroused, you are narrowly focused. Your attention is devoted to what you are doing and going to do so that you either don’t notice distractions or are not bothered by them. Having such a single-minded focus on your erotic experience is required to create, maintain and intensify your sexual arousal.
Most of my clients are surprised when I tell them that sexual functioning is based primarily on two essential ingredients: physiological relaxation and receiving adequate physical and/or mental erotic sexual stimulation.
Let’s talk about relaxation first. Problems with arousal and orgasm usually occur when people experience performance or response anxiety. They are concerned about how their body looks to their sexual partner and/or worry about their sexual performance. For many men, the concern is whether they will be able to gain and keep an erection or achieve orgasm. In other words, they react to the stress that they start to feel which of course results in muscle tension and a surge of cortisol. These are clear signs that the fight-or-flight response, the antithesis of the relaxation response, has been triggered.
Mindfulness practice involves developing the ability to step back and observe and accept your thoughts, physical sensations and emotions as they enter and exit your awareness. By maintaining a non-judgemental attitude, you can detach from your worries, concerns, discomfort, anxiety and other stressors rather than immediately and automatically reacting to them at any given time. In doing so, you cultivate a state of physiological as well as mental calmness which is a precursor to natural bodily functions such as sleep and sexual response.
Secondly, becoming aroused and maintaining that state of subjective and physiological arousal requires a focus on erotic cues. Having such a focus amplifies the sensations and sexual pleasure, making them feel more intense. When you have difficulty creating or maintaining adequate focus on the erotic experience, problems can occur.
I often ask my clients where their attention is during sex. It’s no surprise to hear that many place their attention on anxious thoughts and on other non-erotic cues which inhibit their ability to get fully aroused. Even if they are able initially to focus on sexual pleasure strongly enough to start to get turned on, their mind gets distracted by non-erotic thoughts or images which interfere with the erotic flow. Some of my male clients tell me that they are focused on their sexual partner. This is fine provided that whatever aspect of their partner they are focusing on is generating sexual excitement for them. Unfortunately what they are usually focused on is what their partner is thinking about them and/or what they are doing. Understandably, under those conditions their arousal falters and fades.
In short, for sexual arousal and pleasure to occur and be maintained, your attention on sexual stimuli must be sustained which involves engaging in mindfulness - a continual process of noticing and letting go of distractions, and refocusing on erotic cues.
Tips for mindful sex practice
What you should focus on during sex: Since sexual excitement is a process triggered within the brain, you can become aroused by any kind of sexual stimulation whether receiving physical touch or simply by thinking about something erotic, such as a sexual fantasy or sexy memory. Once the arousal centres in our brains are activated, we begin to feel erotic pleasure and experience bodily changes such as lubrication or erection.
Erotic stimuli: Erotic cues that trigger our sexual arousal and feelings of pleasure include:
physical triggers (giving and receiving sexual touching and pleasuring);
sensual triggers (seductive music, massages, lingerie, a preferred type of scent). Sensate focus exercises which are helpful in reducing performance and response anxiety are an example of sensual (touch) stimuli;
emotional triggers such as feelings of love for your partner;
signs of sexual arousal in yourself and/or your partner such as vocal expressions of pleasure;
sexual fantasies and memories;
erotica (in writing, pictures and film).
Dealing with distractions: Distractions are not a nuisance but the default mode of the mind and its problem-solving function. When you notice you are distracted, don’t fight with the distraction or try to bulldoze it out of your mind. That just makes it worse. If you ignore or fail to acknowledge the distraction, it will get stronger and become a bigger distraction. Instead, take a moment to simply observe and take note of it then gently set it aside before calmly bringing your attention back to an erotic cue.
Working too hard: Focusing need not, and should not be hard work. The tension generated by trying or concentrating too hard will just inhibit the relaxation needed for arousal. If you find that your attention has wandered, gently move it to where you want it. This does not mean mental pushing or shoving. You can’t become sexually aroused through sheer force of will any more than you can make yourself fall asleep. The mental act of refocusing requires a lightness of touch similar to tapping a fine wine glass with a feather.
Keen to give mindfulness a go?
There are myriad resources available on mindfulness. I recommend that beginners start by using a guided mindfulness meditation app such as headspace (www.headspace.com). It has a large library of meditation and sleep resources which you can access through paid subscription. If you interested but don’t want to commit financially, UCLA Mindful (www.uclahealth.org/ucla-mindful) is a mindfulness meditation app which you can download for free.
Sources:
King, R. Where did my libido go? Ebury Press, 2010.
