With fifteen years’ experience of working with couples and given that all relationships have their problems, I have often reflected on what drives some couples to seek professional help whilst most do not. Engaging in couples counselling is uncommon and therefore a huge step for many people to take. It requires an investment of time, money and emotional energy with no guarantee of positive outcome.
If you are considering couples counselling but unsure whether it will be worth the investment then you may find this month’s post helpful as I will address some commonly asked questions about the therapeutic process to assist you in deciding whether it’s for you.
Why are so many people sceptical about couples counselling?
Given the romantic notions which pervade many cultures about love and finding the ideal partner, it’s perhaps not surprising that many people believe they have failed if there are problems in their relationship. There is so much self-blame, shame and guilt that comes with this (perfectionistic) way of thinking that they do not want to engage in a process which involves highlighting problematic issues let alone confront them. Furthermore, if a person thinks that couples therapy is about forcing them to change because they are “the problem” or afraid of the therapist taking sides with their partner, they will definitely avoid it at all cost.
There are also misconceptions about what couples therapy is which deters many people from engaging in the process. Such misconceptions include the belief that couples therapy is only beneficial for serious issues such as infidelity or view it as only appropriate as a last-ditch effort before deciding to end the relationship.
In reality, couples therapy can be beneficial to resolve a wide variety of issues at any stage of a couple’s relationship. It can sort out a current problem, prevent matters from worsening, or provide a “check-up” for a couple experiencing a period of transition or increased stress. In fact, couples counselling is more effective when the partners are still invested in the relationship. All too often, couples only start therapy when the relationship is on the brink which means that problems have festered and resentment has grown making it more difficult to repair.
Does couples counselling work?
Like most research, the results tend to vary however a number studies* based on self-reports indicate that couples therapy is effective. Reported improvements include a decrease in distress as well as an increase in relationship satisfaction.
The goal of couples therapy
Couples counselling can be described briefly as supporting a couple to gain insight into the dynamics causing problems in their relationship and to help them understand their respective contributions to dysfunctional patterns. This greater insight into relationship issues will help change how each partner perceives the relationship and each other. The focus is more on interactional patterns than the issues themselves. The process involves emotional expression (holding space for both people to express themselves to each other) and processing, identification of core themes, joint discovery, sense-making, goal-setting and action-planning. The ultimate goal is to equip the couple to do this independently in the future.
Couples counselling isn’t a magic cure. It’s not like doing a course nor does one size fit all. I’m often asked how long it takes to see change. While this is a valid question, keep in mind that every couple works at their own pace and there are differences in how much investment each couple gives to the process.
The role of the couples therapist
The job of the couples therapist is to help the couple develop a greater understanding of their relational patterns, that is, to assist the couple to step back and notice the way they are interacting which keeps them painfully stuck.
Couples counsellors are typically not passive. Although they maintain a neutral stance whilst facilitating a process whereby both partners are heard, they also take an active role to intervene and focus the session on insight and action. Couples counsellors may also provide coaching for the couple to learn to communicate differently. They usually do not give advice or solve problems. Contrary to common belief, the role of a couples therapist is not to act as an arbitrator or mediator.
Even if they have received training in well-known therapeutic models including The Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), the approach each couples therapist takes is unique to them.
It’s different to individual therapy
For anyone who has done one-on-one psychotherapy, it’s important to know that couples counselling is dynamically different, firstly because there are three people in the room not just two. As the relationship (rather than the individual partners) is the client, the focus is not so much on the individual but on the couple system. Nevertheless, as part of the overall process, it is also usual for the couples therapist to schedule individual sessions with each partner.
Couples counselling tends to progress more quickly than one-on-one work. It also tends to be more dynamic and challenging.
Be prepared to be uncomfortable
If you’re considering getting therapy for your relationship, then expect couples counselling sessions to be uncomfortable. Most couples have problems because they have avoided dealing with important issues in the relationship. The work of couples counselling is to identify and focus on the areas which have previously been avoided, a process which is likely to make both partners feel uncomfortable.
Not only is the way they relate there in the room being observed, but the therapist is there to create a space where both partners can both speak freely, without being interrupted. Both partners may say things which the other does not want to hear or acknowledge. This process is confronting but done not for the purpose of making anyone feel bad or guilty but to help both partners learn to take responsibility for expressing their wants and needs and to communicate themselves openly and respectfully so that they can safely bring up whatever they need to in the future. This is really the only way that couples work as a team to address issues in their relationship.
If this sounds rather daunting, perhaps it’s a helpful reminder that like most change processes, in couples work, things can often get worse before they get better.
Exercises outside of session
Sustainable change in a relationship does not occur on the basis of merely attending sessions. Like any therapy, the real work of couples counselling happens outside the therapy room. Although gaining new perspectives about each other and the relationship is important, another critical aspect of couples therapy involves supporting the partners to interact differently. As part of the therapeutic process, couples engage in exercises which they do together or individually, between sessions. The therapist usually works with the couple to develop an action plan which they implement in the period between appointments with time set aside at the next session to de-brief on the steps taken and the experience of both partners.
How can one maximize the chances of a positive outcome?
Couples frequently come into counselling blaming one another for their difficulties, often with the primary goal of changing their partner. This is because in long-term relationships, it’s easy to fall into unhelpful patterns such as no longer hearing what the other person is saying, and worse still, seeing each other as the “enemy” rather than a team player. These negative but entrenched views of the other person and the relationship have been shaped typically by a build-up of hurt feelings which inhibit each person’s willingness to be emotionally vulnerable with the other and to jointly work towards mutually acceptable outcomes.
For these reasons, couples counselling is most effective when couples begin therapy with an open mind and a willingness to learn more about both themselves and their partner. It requires an investment of honesty and courage at a personal level as it hinges ultimately on the willingness of each person to own their part in the dynamic as well as the process of bringing about positive change.
What if your partner refuses to attend?
Making changes to relationship dynamics is most effective with the commitment of both partners. Ideally it is most helpful to have both parties attend counselling however some partners may not be open to the therapy process and this in itself can heighten feelings of resentment.
If one partner is not willing to attend joint sessions, it is still valuable for the other partner to engage in individual counselling to work on improving their part of the relational pattern which may then lead to change because the relationship status quo is no longer maintained. While it is possible for one partner to drive the change process in a relationship, bearing the responsibility of solely making the effort to do so leads to feelings of loneliness and resentment. Therefore meaningful change may require sincere commitment, intentionality, and effort on the part of both partners.
It’s not always about keeping the couple together
Sometimes, as a result of couples counselling, couples come to a decision to end their relationship. Counselling can then fulfil a role in helping them to end the relationship on a good note, and to take care of issues that are important to them (usually caring for children) in a mutually respectful and beneficial way.
When couples counselling is not appropriate
Couples counselling is not appropriate where there is a clear power difference in the relationship which inhibits both partners from relating on “an even playing field”, that is, the ability to communicate freely, without fear of retaliation from the other person. Maintaining safety is crucial in couples counselling. For this reason, couples therapy is not suitable or helpful for relationships where physical and/or emotional abuse is present. Individual therapy is typically required to ensure that there is safety within the relationship before couples counselling is considered.
Sources and Resources
*According to different sources (the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy and the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists) 70-90% of couples find couples therapy beneficial. www.wellmarriagecenter.com/what-percentage-of-marriages-survive-after-counseling
