I recently came across an interesting magazine piece about New Year’s resolutions. Dr Nicole LePera, psychologist and author of How To Meet Yourself says that as part of her 2023 goal of letting go of a belief that her role in life is to be liked by people, she will actually start to embrace disappointing others.
I could certainly relate to what she was saying. Like many people, I also struggle with the thought that I have disappointed another person, especially if that other is someone important to me. It may lead to feelings of embarrassment, even guilt and shame. And while it is normal for a human being to be disappointed from time to time, it’s a complex emotion that many of us find difficult to grapple with, whether it’s our disappointment or someone else’s.
It was William Shakespeare who said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” This quote recognizes that when we experience disappointment, our hopes and expectations for a desired outcome are dashed. We can all relate to the feeling of being let down and the accompanying anger we might feel when something we thought we deserved didn’t happen or sadness when we miss out on an opportunity.
When it comes to disappointing others, Dr LePera says that like many women, she suffers from “good girl” conditioning, behaviours learnt in childhood which focus on making other people feel comfortable. Therefore, the belief that “It’s not OK to disappoint people” is a part of not wanting to upset someone else and typically leads to neglecting one’s own needs.
Women definitely do not have a monopoly when it comes to “people pleasing”. Many of my male clients are products of “nice guy” conditioning, programmed to be highly attuned to another’s emotions and to automatically behave in ways to preserve harmony in a relationship when they sense distress, tension or potential conflict.
Developmental influences
The way we handle another person’s disappointment is related (like most things) to our developmental history, that is, our relationship with our parents and other early, formative experiences. If your parents had high expectations of you, you may have sought to avoid disappointing them by becoming an over-achiever. Such individuals become perfectionistic in the way they approach life and are usually very hard on themselves when they fail to achieve the (often unrealistic) standards they set. Perhaps it’s not surprising to learn that they have difficulty letting go sufficiently to enjoy life fully and often suffer from an anxiety disorder. On the other end of the continuum are the individuals who seek to avoid disappointment by turning into under-achievers. As children, they may have tried initially to meet their parents’ high expectations of them but realising that they would not be able to do so, they unconsciously set the bar low so as to prevent their parents from being consistently disappointed thus getting themselves off the hook. By deciding that the best approach is to avoid taking risks and not to have high expectations about anything, they have in effect settled for an unstimulating and unfulfilling life which leads frequently to depression.
It’s important to understand that these attitudes and accompanying behaviours developed unconsciously during childhood-adolescence as part of a survival strategy. They are forms of self-preservation to reduce the threat and anxiety of rejection and abandonment by one’s care-givers. Behaviour which makes it easier for us to get on with the significant people in our life enables survival in a world that seems threatening and overwhelming for a child.
While it’s helpful to know how these patterns were shaped, it is more important to acknowledge that an individual’s developmental history is not their destiny as change is always possible.
The truth about disappointment
It’s inevitable that we’re all going to experience disappointment many times in our life. When something happens to shatter our hopes, it’s normal to feel downhearted. Disappointment is therefore an emotional signal telling us that what we want doesn’t reflect our reality, that an expectation that we have isn’t met. Disappointment is therefore simply, part of our life experience and the human condition. In every relationship we will experience it. And while disappointment is undoubtedly an uncomfortable emotion, it dissipates and all humans are capable of dealing with it. And while we can’t stop people from letting us down, we don’t have to let it overwhelm us or let the fear of it keep us from being honest with others.
So, avoiding disappointment is not possible and yet many of us make repeated attempts to avoid the disappointment of those around us - family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues and even someone we randomly encounter. This of course only leads to further complications.
The impact of trying avoid disappointing others
Most of us can relate to the stress, fear and worry that are part of actively trying to not disappoint another person especially someone important to us. And whilst it makes sense to want others to like us, the price we pay for overly investing in this is high. This is because trying to avoid disappointing another makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to be ourselves and to live authentically.
I agree with Mike Robbins, author and speaker who says that asking for what we want, counting on others and trusting people are essential aspects of healthy, fulfilling and real relationships. They also make us vulnerable to being disappointed and even hurt by the people in our lives. Equally, speaking up (about how we feel), going for the things that are important to us and taking care of ourselves are all things that at times won't align with others, and in some cases may even upset them. It's inevitable that we will disappoint people, especially when we conduct ourselves with honesty and integrity.
Accepting the reality of disappointing others therefore allows us to release our unrealistic demands for perfection from ourselves. Ironically we are more likely to end up hurting and disappointing others in the long run by withholding our needs and wishes and striving to meet the perceived needs of others fully as over time, resentment sets in when we neglect ourselves. Being okay with disappointing others takes away the pressure and stress we often feel about always having to do, say, or be a certain way. Letting go of the fear of disappointment frees us up to be who we are, to take more risks and to release our attachment to other people’s opinions and approval.
Being true to ourselves of course does not mean being dismissive of others. It is possible for us to be mindful, empathetic and aware of others and still live our life in an authentic manner.
Why it’s actually helpful for your partner to feel disappointed
Of course I’m not advocating that you actively set out to disappoint others including your partner. However when you operate under the belief that another person will be crushed if you disappoint them, you are actually doing that person a disservice because you are not treating them as an equal or even as a human being. Disappointment is an emotion and it’s a normal part of life for humans to experience emotions, even ones that are difficult and painful. Added to which, disappointment like all emotions are transient in nature and will pass in due course if managed effectively.
Whilst there are different styles of coping, everyone can learn to deal with disappointment constructively. Rather than trying to avoid it, by seeing disappointment as an emotional messenger and a way of tuning into what has happened to us, we are engaging in what is known as emotional self-regulation – a crucial skill to have (and usually developed in childhood) in navigating our lives and relationships. Therefore experiencing disappointment provides an opportunity for personal growth and to build one’s resilience. Resilience, the ability to recover from difficulty is like a physical muscle that has to be stretched in order to be strengthened.
I’m well aware that people have differing capacities to deal with feelings of disappointment. For a multitude of reasons, some individuals simply cannot take “no” for an answer and will actively exert pressure on another to give them what they want. In other words, due to a poor ability to regulate their emotions, they are unable to accept and respect another person’s boundaries. Whilst it’s important to be mindful of other people’s feelings and to exercise compassion in all instances, it’s also not your responsibility to take care of someone’s difficult emotions, including those of your partner. It is of course, helpful to listen and validate their feelings even as you allow them the space and to use their own emotional resources to self-soothe. Some individuals may need professional support to learn to do this is if they haven’t learned this skill earlier in their life.
Embracing disappointment
So, are you ready to embrace disappointment? If the answer is “yes”, then check out this post by Mike Robbins, who provides some suggestions on how to get started. Even if you’re not ready to take active steps at this stage, it will certainly give you plenty of food for thought.
Don’t Be Afraid of Disappointment (mike-robbins.com)
As human beings, it’s natural and normal to want to be loved, valued, and appreciated. For this reason, most of us struggle with the thought of disappointing others and continue to pay the high price of not being true to ourselves. However, learning to manage the emotional discomfort associated with knowing that you have disappointed another person will not only change your relationships in a profound way but is ultimately personally rewarding and life changing.
Resources
- Read about Dr Nicole LePera’s intention to disappoint more people in 2023: www.stylist.co.uk/life/disappointing-people-benefits-thread/747836
- People-pleasing is anxiety response according to Natalie Lue, the author of The Joy of Saying No. Learn from a recovering people-pleaser on how to say “no”:
