My last blog post focused on the factors and function of secondary inhibited sex desire (ISD) in emotionally committed relationships. To recap, this type of couple sexual issue usually manifests as desire discrepancy where the individual with secondary ISD has lost interest in sex with their partner. This situation typically results in a pattern of sexual avoidance which leads to a gradual decline and eventual loss of sexual intimacy and in most cases, also emotional connection. In some instances, the individual with ISD or the couple will seek therapy but in most cases, the issue is avoided and left unaddressed. Many couples choose to adopt this passive approach to sensitive and uncomfortable matters because they are aware that confronting it directly has the potential of triggering disharmony and therefore difficult and intense emotions which they do not want to experience and do not know how to manage. The costs of inaction however are high.
Fears of intimacy
Readers of my previous post will recall that when the problem is secondary ISD, one of the contributing factors is almost always connected to underlying fears of intimacy in the couple relationship. Although it is a given that everyone brings some underlying fears of intimacy into their relationship, they are normally outside of a person’s awareness, emerging only when the relationship develops, usually when the couple start to live together or marry.
One of the most common underlying fears of intimacy is a fear of anger and conflict.
James and Emma* - a case study
Emma complains of James’s lack of desire to have sex with her. Even though she always had the higher libido, it didn’t seem to matter so much at the beginning of their relationship. Over the years, as their life became more stressful and complicated the difference in their level of sexual interest has become more apparent. She is also increasingly frustrated with James’s lack of involvement in decision-making for their family and joint life which has been left primarily to her. He dislikes arguments so avoids any discussion which has the potential to lead to a disagreement. She has found herself becoming increasingly angry and reacting to his lack of engagement by yelling at him and threatening to end the relationship.
Any form of animosity or tension causes James to feel uncomfortable. He had never seen his parents argue and assumed that fighting must be something terrible and destructive if his parents never disagreed. Even though he believes that Emma’s complaints against him are unfair, he doesn’t want to express his thoughts and feelings to her in order to avoid an argument or conflict which finds unpleasant and pointless. In an effort to disregard his negative emotions, he typically gets busy doing something else. However, ignoring his feelings has gradually led to a flat mood and is also causing his resentment towards Emma to grow. He does not connect his lack of sexual desire with suppressed anger towards her.
Fear of anger and conflict
There are many myths about love in our culture, one of them is that in a good relationship, couples never argue or fight. Or seen another way, many people believe that conflict is an indicator that a relationship is flawed or defective. My clinical experience confirms this idea. When I ask the couples I work with, why they think the relationship is improving, they often report that there has been no fighting between sessions. Interestingly, many couples who present for therapy also tell me that their relationship is really good with the exception of conflict and tension with regard to problems in their sex life.
Although anger is a primary (adaptive) emotion that is wired in every human being and therefore inevitably experienced in every human relationship, a common problem for couples is their inability to deal with the anger they feel towards each other. They fear the experience of anger and/or the consequences of being angry. Associated with this, they usually do not possess the skills to express their feelings constructively and in a way which will maximise them being heard and understood. Couples who handle anger poorly tend to adopt one of two different approaches to the problem.
Anger (and other emotions) manifesting as explosions
One manifestation is the individual who is overtly and chronically angry, explosive at times often with little provocation. Their expression of angry feelings may be raw and unmodulated, hurtful in nature and without appropriate concern for the impact upon their partner. These individuals use anger to keep others at a distance and to control through intimidation. It is important to note that despite their blatantly aggressive behaviour individuals who act out in this manner typically feel disempowered and have a strong sense of inadequacy. Their deepest fear is to be rejected if they were to show their vulnerability or insecurities to another.
The partner of the chronically angry person lives in a state of chronic fear, walking on eggshells over saying or doing something which will be triggering. Obviously, it would be difficult to be emotionally and sexually close to someone who is constantly on edge and angry. The non-angry partner may have individual issues such as underlying fears that are served by being with an angry mate. If they do not want or cannot tolerate closeness, this person would be an ideal choice. They can justify their behaviour of not being close based on the unacceptable and socially disapproved behaviour of their partner. Another possibility is that the non-angry partner is so dependent (due a fear of being alone), he or she would accept a relationship on any terms given. Furthermore, individuals who have become emotional caretakers of others since childhood will “protect” the angry partner by being accommodating and appeasing rather than confronting them over their behaviour.
Regardless of the individual’s underlying agenda, this couple is guaranteed a relationship with very little sexual desire or intimacy.
Suppressed or withheld anger
The more common pattern in my experience is for the anger to be withheld. Individuals who do this view anger in only negative terms, for instance, that it has only destructive consequences and therefore expressing this emotion is harmful and thus to be avoided at all costs.
This way of dealing with anger would have most likely originated from the family of origin. Many of us have learnt from parental modelling or messages that the expression of anger is inappropriate or bad. As children, we may have been ignored if we expressed our anger (often as tantrums). This approach is usually based on the belief a parent should not encourage the expression of negative emotions so attention should not be given to a child if they are angry and that anger dissipates if ignored.
Another pattern which develops is to withhold one’s anger in reaction to how our parents expressed their anger. Some children have become highly fearful due to the experience of a parent’s anger as aggression. As a result, they will react by attempting to hold anger inside as they do not want to inflict the same attitude or behaviour onto others.
Over a period of time, sometimes years, the internalised anger becomes a chronic condition which affects both the individual and the relationship. Suppressed anger becomes the pervasive feeling state and blocks the experience of all other feelings including sexual desire. It is not uncommon for symptoms of anxiety and depression to emerge in place of fully experiencing one’s emotions.
Such individuals are also likely to remain emotionally and sexually disengaged from their partners in order to remain quietly angry. They also become filled with bitterness or resentment towards their partners. This feeling gains in strength and begins to pervade every interaction. A slight mistake or wrongdoing on the part of the partner can trigger an over-reaction to what appears to be a trivial issue.
Furthermore, anger can be expressed indirectly. The most common forms of passive-aggression are forgetting, procrastinating or constantly claiming to misunderstand some request. It may also take the form of self-righteousness with the chronically angry partner taking the high moral ground and needing to see the other as “wrong”. Another variation is for the angry individual to act as a helpless victim in defending themselves against a partner who is considered to be smarter, more articulate and aggressive etc. thereby making others responsible for taking care of them. Lastly, if emotional expression is viewed as undesirable, intellectualisation may replace the expression of anger. I have worked with couples where one partner’s emotional reactivity is met with excessive reason and rationality by the other partner. The latter’s seemingly calm demeanour masks chronically suppressed anger and other intense emotions.
Although veiled, these covert ways of expressing anger are powerful and destructive.
The interactional system that supports the chronically angry individual and their partner is likely to be conflict avoidance. Typically, the partner of the angry individual unconsciously colludes in not dealing with the anger. The unconscious collusion may take many forms. They may pretend not to notice the seething anger in their partner or make half-hearted attempts to deal with the issue. They might overlook or make excuses for the sullen mood in the partner. In short, the anger is never dealt with directly or openly but has a corrosive effect on the goodwill in the relationship.
As the core issue is a fear of intimacy, the pattern of avoidance serves to protect the relationship and each partner.
Inhibited sexual desire
The role of the lack of desire in expressing anger is rarely understood nevertheless a couple’s inability to work through angry feelings is certain to create a barrier to intimacy, putting them at risk for a desire problem to occur. The partner who has inhibited sexual desire may be living in fear of anger from the higher desire partner or be experiencing chronically suppressed anger themselves which erodes the relationship bond and creates a block to the natural flow and expression of sexual feelings and erotic energy. In some cases, individuals are aware of the resentment and anger that underlies their words or actions but usually it is buried deeply and therefore, difficult to discern. However the anger manifests, the core issue is a fear of intimacy which is incompatible with sexual desire.
Resources:
Material for this post was taken from:
- Weeks, GR & Gambescia N. Hypoactive Sexual Desire. (Norton, 2002).
