As 2021 draws to a close and given the challenges we have all faced in the last 12 months, I thought it would be fitting to write my last blog post of the year on the topic of happiness.
It goes without saying that we all want to be happy but few of us have ever considered the cost of overly focusing on the importance of happiness. I recently came across a blog post (see link below) which referred to scientific research on the effects of pursuing happiness, the results of which may be surprising to many. A number of studies have shown that when people place a high value on their own happiness it can ironically lead to more unhappiness.
Research suggests a number of reasons for this. One of the explanations is that those who expect happiness only to then feel disappointed (especially in contexts where they are suppose to feel happy) are more likely to have depressive symptoms and a decrease in well-being because of their tendency to blame themselves for not feeling happy enough.
Furthermore, people who focus on feeling happy also tend to lack acceptance of the full range of their emotional experiences, viewing their low mood as a sign of failure in life. This discomfort with negative emotions partly explains why they have lower levels of well-being. In other words, when people believe they need to maintain high levels of positivity or happiness all the time to make their lives worthwhile or to be valued by others, they react poorly to their negative emotions. They struggle with these feelings and employ ineffective emotion regulation strategies such as avoiding or suppressing unpleasant feelings rather than accepting them as a normal part of life.
On the other hand, the same research has found that individuals who pursue happiness indirectly such as engaging in activities that provide a sense of achievement or purpose (including volunteering time, completing difficult tasks, or constructing daily routines that support well-being) did not have the same reaction. People who adopted this approach were more accepting of their low mood and did not see it as a sign they were failing in life. They did not view feeling down or stressed as inconsistent with finding happiness, recognizing that it is part of the overall life experience.
Given that emotional pain, failure, loss, disappointment, fear and loneliness are unavoidable and an inevitable part of being human, this empirical work suggests that a person’s attitude to happiness is the key determinant of the level of happiness they will actually experience.
Connection to ACT and values
These findings are the consistent with the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy more commonly known as ACT, a scientifically-based therapeutic model used to treat a wide range of psychological disorders. It is also a life-affirming and inspirational perspective of self-determination which can be used as a framework or guide for living a rich, full and meaningful life. Following my training in ACT many years ago, I have applied it since both professionally and personally. The appeal is in its simplicity (as it has just 6 core principles) and how reflective it is of real life experience. In a nutshell, the core concept of ACT is that emotional pain is an inevitable part of life and the human condition. Psychological suffering however is usually caused by “experiential avoidance”, that is, the attempts typically made to avoid “clean pain” as well as the failure to live life in accordance with one’s core values.
ACT in action - Ground Hog Day
Groundhog Day, one of my favourite movies illustrates beautifully (and often hilariously) the human struggle or resistance to unwanted situations in life and the freedom afforded through radical acceptance. Many observations have been made about the Buddhist themes underlying the film’s narrative.
In the film, Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, an egotistical weatherman who finds himself waking on the same day and experiencing it repeatedly in a small town which he absolutely detests. Obviously he is highly frustrated and trapped by this predicament and wants to break out of the endless cycle. Most of the movie focuses on the many ways he attempts to escape from his unwanted existence. The strategies Phil employs include manipulating the situation to his advantage (in some instances by pursuing sex and engaging in crime) but everything he does ultimately ends up being boring and pointless and so he becomes very depressed. At this point he resorts to drinking and even suicide but to no avail. Phil finally accepts the futility of his attempts to exert control and decides instead to use his time in a more constructive manner. He takes piano lessons and learns ice sculpting, becoming highly proficient at both. Most importantly he refocuses his attention and energy from self-gratification to being of service to the various townsfolk. Along the way, Phil learns to participate in, and enjoy the moments of his day which become increasingly meaningful to him. Through enriching his life in this way he is ultimately rewarded with the passing of time and eventually wakes up to a different day. Furthermore, by acting from the best version of himself and no longer trying to make an impression, he also finally earns the admiration of Rita, his producer and love interest whom he was trying earlier to manipulate. The film is clearly a metaphor for the human tendency to keep revisiting the same stories and reliving the same patterns in our life even though they offer us nothing but more suffering. It is estimated that Bill Murray's character, Phil spent between 10-18 years reliving the same day before eventually moving forward.
Our need for control
The truth is most of us behave like Phil when are faced with an unwanted situation or outcome. There is little doubt that we will do what we can to exert control.
When it comes to relationships, many of the methods we use to gain control were learnt very early in life. These are usually the same tactics we fall back on when we are not getting what we want as adults. We blame, criticise, cry, withdraw, tantrum, make snide remarks, threaten and give the silent treatment in a bid to control our partner. Many of individuals I see in my practice attend couples therapy not to work on changing their patterns of behaviour but to find a way to “fix” their partner in an attempt to get their needs met.
Although it’s understandable that we will initially resist when confronted with unwanted behaviour from our partner, it makes less sense that we keep reacting in the same way even though what we do is not working. When we aren’t getting what we want, we quickly lose sight of the fact that we cannot change or control someone else, only how we respond to a given situation or another’s behaviour. Even if our efforts to control our partner sometimes work in the short term, it often leads in the long run to resentment and bitterness which ultimately ruins the relationship.
However, if like Phil, you stop wasting your energy on futile control strategies and invest it instead in becoming the partner you want to be, you are in a better position to effect change. That’s the paradox. As you learn to let go of trying to control your partner, they will often start to be more receptive and open to you because a relationship is like a dance. Unhelpful patterns or “dances” between two people only occur because of synchronous moves. Changing your steps means that your partner is required to modify theirs to keep pace with you. Even if your partner keeps doing the same steps, the old dance can no longer occur because of your new steps. But it’s far more likely as you get in touch with your values and consciously use them to guide your actions, your relationship will change in positive ways.
Connect with your values
So, what exactly are values? If asked that question, most people will respond with what they value in life such as family, friendships, pets, money, travel, the natural world etc. This is different to how ACT defines values.
According to ACT, values are desired qualities of ongoing action which function as a compass giving you direction as well as keeping you on track during your life journey. Values reflect what you want to stand for in life so unlike rules, values are not about what you “have to” or “should” do, rather they are about what is important and meaningful to you. Examples of values are contribution, compassion, kindness, adventure, fun, creativity, courage and humour just to name a few.
As important as it is to clarify your values, it’s only when you act on them that your life will improve. Therefore values serve as an internal compass, to inspire and motivate your actions for how you want to conduct yourself. Distinct from goals, acting on your values is an ongoing process, making them something that cannot be achieved or completed. For example, if you want to be loving, caring and supportive, they are values, desired qualities of ongoing action which is there on a day to day basis, for the rest of your life. In contrast, marriage is a goal which can be crossed off the list once you’ve done it. You can achieve the goal of marriage even if you totally neglect your values around being loving and caring.
ACT with love
By now you will have already gathered that if you really want to make your relationship strong and enduring, the most effective place to start is working on yourself. In his book, ACT with Love, Dr Russ Harris suggests asking the following questions to identify and connect with your values as a partner:
- What sort of partner do you want to be?
- Is there a gap between who you want to be and the way you are acting right now?
- How do you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis?
- What sort of personal qualities do you want to bring into play in your relationship?
- What do you want to stand for as a partner?
- What character strengths do you wish to develop?
While there is no such thing as a right or wrong value, there are certain ones that are fundamental to a relationship such as acceptance, compassion, caring, connection, contribution, kindness, respect, openness, honesty, integrity and trust. Because these lay the foundation for the growth and maintenance of goodwill, warmth and intimacy, a significant lack of valuing in these areas means that your relationship is likely to fade rather than thrive.
What gets in the way?
Most of us would agree that it makes sense to treat our partner well if we wish to be treated well by them. After all, that’s what we put a lot of effort into doing at the beginning of the relationship when we are less certain about their interest in us and level of commitment. However, over time, a sense of entitlement and complacency sets in so we have the expectation that our needs should be met by our partner without much work or contribution on our part. Added to which, when they fail to do so, unhelpful stories about our partner develop (due to blame, defensiveness and criticism) and feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment accumulate leading to endless power struggles fuelled by a need to be right and the other to be proven wrong. Many people resist taking constructive action to improve their relationship based on the belief that their partner should change first. These types of beliefs are not only disempowering (on an individual level) but leave you and your partner helplessly and hopelessly stuck.
Regardless of what has happened, we are ultimately responsible for how we direct our life. If we wait for someone else to change before we take action, we have delegated our personal power and responsibility to another and must accept the consequences however undesirable.
Also be aware that if you start doing these valued actions primarily to get something from your partner, then you are moving away from your values and it is likely that you will end up feeling frustrated and disappointed. So take these actions simply because they reflect what you want to stand for in life.
Of course, acting on your values does not mean you ignore or give up your needs, wants and desires. You, like your partner, want to be appreciated, respected, cared for and treated well. You can and should ask for what you want but it’s a matter of how you approach it. By doing the values-based relationship ground work and being the partner you want to be, your partner is likely to be far more responsive.
Like Phil in Ground Hog Day, many of us have felt trapped and a victim of circumstances beyond our control. Our natural instinct is to do what we can to restore a sense of control which can leave us feeling even more stuck and helpless. Yet, the opportunity to learn from experience and to break habitual (but unworkable) patterns of behaviour is ever present provided we are open to seeing and embracing it. It is a true reminder of the redemptive and reparative possibilities in every moment of life.
Soureces/Resources
- Harris, R. ACT with Love. New Harbinger Publications, 2009.
- How to avoid 'toxic positivity' and take the less direct route to happiness (theconversation.com)
