I recently completed an online workshop on Polyvagal Theory which expanded my understanding of what it really means to feel ‘safe’ with another person and how such safety promotes spontaneous social engagement behaviour which in turn enhances an individual’s health, growth and relationships.
Because we live in a highly complex society, we tend to interpret everything through the lense of cultural scripts, losing sight of the fact that nothing in our reactions and behaviour really makes sense except in the light of biology and evolution. In this post, I will be discussing emotional safety in relationships based on the functioning of our nervous system. Whether we like to call it using our “gut” or “intuition”, our nervous system plays a much larger role than we think in how we navigate relationships and our interpersonal world in general.
The technical stuff - overview of the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS)
By way of background, the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) is in charge of regulating our vital functions, such as heart rate, digestion rate and pupil dilation. It is also the part of the body which ensures our survival by working to help us manage dangerous or life-threatening situations.
Many people are familiar with the two defense mechanisms triggered by separate but connected branches of the ANS. The sympathetic branch of the ANS or sympathetic nervous system (SNS) responds to threat by activating the body when danger is detected, in preparation for “fight or flight”. Life threat elicits the other branch of the ANS, the parasympathetic nervous system (PSNS) preparing the body to “freeze or faint”, by shutting down or immobilising the body’s natural activity. The balance between the two systems is usually said to determine ANS functioning. This is not to say that one is better than the other as both have evolved to play vital roles in human survival.
Even though it is rare for a human being living in the 21st century (especially those living in the first world) to experience real danger or life threat, numerous factors in modern day life may trigger these defensive strategies of mobilisation (fight/flight) or immobilisation (shutdown/dissociation) hence perpetuating a state of defence in circumstances when it is not warranted. Chronic activation of the SNS may therefore lead to symptoms of anxiety whilst chronic activation of the PSNS may lead to symptoms of depression. Sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are caused by over-activation of the SNS whilst inhibited sexual desire is typically connected to over-activation of the PSNS. Consequently, mental and physical health as well as successful relationships require the turning off of these ANS defences.
Polyvagal Theory in a nutshell
Dr. Stephen Porges, the founder of Polyvagal Theory has expanded our understanding of the nervous system by emphasizing a third factor, the vagus nerve and its role (through its ventral branch) in regulating the muscles of the face, heart and lungs. These are the parts of the body used to interact with others. This distinctively mammalian system thus fosters social engagement which according to Porges acts to dampen, calm or down regulate our responses to interpersonal threats and challenges which sets off activity in the SNS and PSNS.
In a nutshell, Polyvgal Theory is a brain-body science (or neuroscience) of connection, trust, and safety. The model identifies the environmental cues or features that foster feelings of safety for a human being which in turn promote mental, social and physical health, restoration and growth. It explains how feeling safe optimises spontaneous social interactions by turning off defensive states and increasing social behaviours.
The social engagement system (SES)
Porges reminds us that connectedness is a biological imperative for the human species, meaning that it is needed to ensure our survival. It is not hard to see why because survival often requires mutual help and cooperation. Starting from birth, human babies learn to regulate their physiological and behavioural state through engagement with caregivers. The building blocks of connectedness typically start with a mother nursing her baby, a two way interaction system which is both receptive and expressive. This ability to mutually (synchronously and reciprocally) regulate each other’s physiological state (through soothing and stimulation) forms the core of the development of the social engagement system helping us navigate relationships by promoting connectedness, trust, play and intimacy. The ability of an individual to be socially successful in adolescence and then adulthood is largely based on the development of the social engagement system in earlier years.
Because of its role in making contact between different people rewarding, the SES is a way of achieving personal safety. But there is a catch. The social engagement system requires a sense of safety to develop or stay employed. When we experience our environment as safe, we operate from our social engagement system. That is why prolonged stress or threat or stress early in life tends to weaken or impair the development of the SES.
The quest for emotional safety
“Safety” is an oft bandied word but a poorly understood concept. There are social, cultural, legal definitions and expectations of safety and risk which usually have little to do with how our nervous system reacts. The focus here is on how the body (or ANS) defines “safety”. Mental and physical health depends on understanding and appreciating the cues that our nervous system requires to feel safe. True experiences of safety keep the autonomic nervous system out of states of defence. However safety is not just the removal of threat. Safety not only dampens our defensive systems but optimises the human experience. A physiological state of safety optimises the ability to rest, relax, sleep, digest and perform bodily processes. Feeling safe also provides the conditions which facilitate spontaneous engagement with others.
As human beings, we have evolved to depend on our nervous system for cues of safety through a process known as neuroception. Neuroception is the nervous system’s evaluation and detection of risk in others or situations without awareness. Certain cues trigger an autonomic state that supports feelings of safety. Eye contact, smiling, an open body posture, an appropriate tone of voice, listening and reciprocity have always been understood to be keys to warm and satisfying human interactions. On the other hand, cues characteristic of anti-social communication such as poor eye contact, blunted facial expression, distractibility, restlessness and difficulties in listening, signal threat and tend to elicit defensive responses.
Effect of trauma on nervous system reaction
Nevertheless, feeling safe is not solely determined by external stimuli, context or environmental cues. Excessive stress, perceived danger, life threat and illness disrupts an individual’s SES resulting in a physiological state that promotes defensiveness. This is what happens to individuals who have experienced trauma.
A sense of safety is compromised following trauma. Trauma disrupts safety by shifting the traumatised individual’s ANS into a state of defence. Psychiatric/behavioural problems are often difficulties in feeling safe with others, being in close proximity to others, being touched or touching others and establishing trusting social relationships. This is because individuals who live with unresolved trauma have faulty neuroception which distorts their social awareness. Many traumatised individuals (as well as those who suffer from conditions such as Social Anxiety Disorder) misinterpret safe situations as threatening and react with asocial behaviour or defensive reactions. Conversely, they may interpret threatening situations as safe, maintaining social behaviours in an environment in which defensive strategies would be more appropriate thus leaving themselves vulnerable and at risk of harm.
Establishing emotional safety in intimate relationships
What does all this mean for the establishment and maintenance of safety in intimate relationships? How can we use this knowledge to foster feelings of trust with the people closest to us? The following are a list of cues/behaviours which typically dampen defensive (fight/flight/shutdown) reactions and serve to convey a sense of safety to another.
- Using eye contact when communicating with our partner signals interest and engagement. This is helpful even during conflict as turning away from our partner indicates a ‘shutting down’ response which indicates disengagement. This is likely to be interpreted as threatening and to fuel further stress and anxiety in our partner.
- Choosing an appropriate tone of voice is often more important than the actual words used. This is consistent with John Gottman’s advice to always use a “soft start-up” if you want a conversation to go well.
- Listening rather than continuing to talk enables us to fully attune to our partner’s experience (and inner world) letting them know that what they say is important to us and that we have heard them. This goes a long way to helping them feel safe.
- Physical touch used appropriately has long been used to comfort and soothe another human being, sending out the message that we care.
- Play combines energy and vitality with social engagement resulting in a fun and highly bonding experience. There is something to be said for the adage “the couple who play together stay together”.
Choosing a partner based on your nervous system
It doesn’t sound very romantic but according to Dr Porges (below is a link to his video), the key to a successful intimate love relationship is liking the person and feeling safe with them. He says that fantasy relationships (often portrayed in romantic fiction and in movies) where people are passionately bonded with each other but don’t actually like each other, create the worst relationships. There is a degree of aggressiveness, volatility, misunderstanding, and miscommunication which fuel the drama but ultimately lead to erosion of the relationship. Yet the couple feel compelled and drawn to the relationship (often saying they cannot live without each other) because a visceral bonding has occurred during the initial stages. This is often the nature of domestic violence relationships.
Dr Porges suggests that successful relationships develop when your SES enables you to feel safe and comfortable with another person. Once you feel safe (and your defences are down), proximity and physical contact can occur which facilitates the release of hormones such as oxytocin that are involved in forging strong social bonds and intimacy. Familiarity leads to comfort which leads to being a couple. But if you get the order wrong, in situations where you get bonded first but might not actually like the person, you’re in trouble.
There’s clearly a lot to be said for couples who start out as friends first.
Resources
Dr. Stephen Porges discusses the importance of face-to-face social engagement in his interview with PsychAlive.org.
Dr. Stephen Porges on Face to Face Social Engagement - YouTube
Dr. Stephen Porges discusses Polyvagal Theory and romantic relationships in his interview with PsychAlive.org.
Dr. Stephen Porges on Polyvagal Theory & Romantic Relationships - YouTube
