In my last blog post, I mentioned that although most of us believe or would like to believe that our libido is resistant to the ups and downs of life, in reality, sexual desire waxes and wanes according to our emotional and physical wellbeing and state of our relationships similar to changes which occur in appetite and sleep patterns when we undergo periods of stress.
Although the focus of this post is on diminished sexual desire (because this is often a problem that clients present with) it’s important to note that sex drive may actually increase during times of stress as sex is a common way for many people to release tension.
Factors that influence sexual desire
Sexual desire is highly influenced by the shifting pattern of biological, psychological and social factors. The following is a comprehensive list of factors which inhibit sex drive taken from Rosie King’s book Good Loving, Great Sex. I have also added a couple of issues based on my own clinical experience.
Common physical inhibitors: fatigue, physical discomfort (pain), poor general health, chronic illness, medical conditions (e.g. hypothyroidism, diabetes) some medications (e.g. antidepressants and blood pressure treatments), hormonal changes (mainly due to a drop in testosterone), IVF.
Common psychological inhibitors: lack of emotional well-being (stress, depression, anxiety, frustration/anger, resentment, shame, grief), poor self-esteem, poor body image, negative sexual attitudes, infertility, IVF.
Relationship inhibitors: loss of loving feelings, power struggles and inequality, tension in the relationship (due to unresolved conflict) lack of trust, lack of emotional intimacy, disrespect, resentment, insecurity (lack of commitment, jealousy and suspicion), intrusions to the boundaries of the relationship (interference by in-laws, demands of work, social activities, hobbies, children), low attraction to partner, lack of affection, fun and romance.
Sexual inhibitors: difficulties with sexual functioning (are inhibitors of sexual desire being both cause and effect), sexual performance anxiety, sexual avoidance.
Lifestyle inhibitors: long work hours, ‘busyness’ (over-commitment to activities), lack of sleep, depleted energy levels, excessive alcohol use.
Situational inhibitors: unfavourable physical environment (lack of privacy, room temperature, noise level), unconducive conditions for lovemaking (lack of time, distractions from children, phone, TV).
Life events and transitions: post-birth (particularly affecting new mothers), key milestones (e.g. children leaving home) retirement, ageing.
A profoundly sexualised culture
Arguably, the biggest factor is cultural influence. Cultures differ largely in how early people start having sex, how open they are about discussing it, and how many sexual partners represent the supposed norm. There is no doubt that we live in a culture which is profoundly sexualised. Sexuality in western society used to be a very limited and restricted experience however, over the last fifty years, there has been a massive shift in sexual expectations driven mainly by media. Whether it is helpful or not, in reality, most people’s sex education comes from sexual activity as depicted in porn, erotica, romance novels, main stream films and even advertisements.
Elsewhere on this blog, I have mentioned that in contemporary western culture, a strong libido and sexual satisfaction is not just highly valued but seen as the norm and a basic right that we should all enjoy.
So, what is normal?
By now, you have probably realised that there is also no ‘normal’ when it comes to how often you have sex. Sex drive is a highly personal issue that varies with each individual. In addition, depending on age, stress level, relationship quality, etc., a person’s desire for sex is subject to fluctuations.
Although there have been studies done on how frequently people have sex, it doesn’t mean that there’s an optimum number. It’s up to each person to find what works for them. A normal, healthy sex drive is simply something that someone is comfortable with. Some couples have sex (or feel like having sex) every day, some are happy with sex once a month, others may have sex once a year or not at all. It all depends on what you prefer and your life circumstances. ‘Normal’ really is determined by your baseline libido and if you are part of a couple, what is negotiated with your partner.
When is it a problem?
Libido only becomes a problem when it’s causing you distress or affecting your relationship with your partner.
Usually, a change in libido or a significant departure from the baseline is a cause for concern for people. If you notice that your sex drive has dropped, first, ask yourself if your libido is noticeably different from your baseline. If so, is it negatively affecting your happiness, relationship, or life? To identify factors which could be at play, you need to look at lifestyle, stress levels, energy levels, physical health and emotional wellbeing. Go through the factors listed above to see whether any of them could be inhibiting your sex drive. In most situations, the change is specific to your current circumstances in which case, your libido is likely to be restored once you move past a particular period of time or life event.
Desire discrepancy
Because there’s really no ‘normal’ amount a person should desire sex or actually engage in sexual activity, it’s not uncommon (arguably even the norm) for couples to have mismatched libidos or experience sexual desire discrepancy. Yet many couples with differing sex drives suffer great misunderstanding, chronic conflict and hurt feelings over this very issue. Over time, some couples find themselves locked in an endless power struggle whilst others end up emotionally and physically alienated from each other.
It’s all about the meaning…
Humans are creatures of meaning so it’s the meaning/s we ascribe to what is happening or not happening (and with sex, it’s usually whether our partner is keen to have sex or not) which greatly influences how we feel. When faced with unmet needs due to desire discrepancy, partners often take it highly personally. In an earlier blog post on the pursuer-distancer cycle, I mentioned that typically the more interested partner interprets the other’s lesser desire as indifference and a lack of love and care. The less-interested partner construes the other’s stronger desire as selfishness and insensitivity. Such interpretations usually set the scene for bitter disputes and/or an erosion of goodwill.
What is sexual compatibility?
Most people think that sexual compatibility means having perfectly matched or similar level sex drives. Unfortunately, this belief does not translate into reality because of the complications and challenges that everyday life brings.
According to Rosie King, sexual compatibility does not mean having similar sex drives but rather, sharing a similar understanding, expectation/s and attitude/s about what constitutes a satisfactory sex life. She says that overcoming any degree of desire disparity necessitates having a positive attitude towards your partner which fully embraces his or her unique needs and wants, in other words, having an ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ mindset. This acceptance of each other’s individuality creates a willingness to meet respective needs which forms the basis for couples working to overcome desire discrepancy and to experience sexual compatibility.
I agree and advocate Rosie’s approach to resolving desire discrepancy. At the same time, in my work as a therapist, I have seen enough couples and individuals to know that developing this attitude of acceptance and understanding is a common challenge for many long-term relationships. On another blog post, I have commented that sex, arguably, has more potential than any other aspect of an intimate relationship to trigger our anxieties, insecurities and childhood neediness about being loved and accepted.
Rosie King’s approach of embracing another’s needs means not taking the other person’s response personally but allowing them to be a separate person who is often not going to be exactly the same place as us in terms of sexual energy. This entails developing a level of emotional maturity which few of us have or are even aware of not having. It only results from a commitment to work on ‘differentiation’, the ability to hold onto a separate sense of self while remaining emotionally connected to the intensity and ‘pull’ of a significant relationship. Achieving this for most of us is a lifelong process.
Resources:
- King, R. Good loving, great sex. Random House, 1998.
