Wishing all readers of this blog a happy springtime! Spring symbolises birth and renewal and so I hope that you will use this time to think of ways to revitalise your relationships, with others and most importantly with yourself. Perhaps some of the material on this blog will provide you with inspiration for doing just that.
This month’s post is on fantasy wishes. The idea came after reading Dan Wile’s book, After the Honeymoon so it is the source for much of the material for this post.
According to Wile, most problems in emotionally committed relationships result from feelings we are unable to express and conversations we are unable to have with our partner. In the book, he shows how to turn inevitable relationship problems into opportunities for intimacy. I learnt a lot from reading this book and hope that you will also want to get a copy of it after reading this post.
Have you ever wished that your partner would spontaneously:
- Perform a particularly thoughtful or caring act that will really make you feel appreciated?
- Engage in sex more enthusiastically, more frequently, with great abandon, or be willing to engage in a particular sexual act that will really make you feel loved and satisfied?
- Share a particular interest of yours that is especially important to you rather than saying no or participating grudgingly?
- Greet you at the end of a bad day with the kind of warmth and concern that provides you with the reassurance you need?
If you can relate to one or more of the above fantasy wishes (which I certainly can), then you are not alone. Everybody has fantasy wishes because they are inevitable accompaniments to life. In reality, couple life is a succession of half-experienced, half-stated, half-fulfilled, easily lost and quickly forgotten fantasies. People generally settle for just a fraction of the fulfilment they wish for because most of us believe that it’s wrong to expect others to take care of them. Those who have unrealistic expectations will likely end up continually disappointed. Right?
Not so, according to renowned couples’ therapist Daniel Wile. Wile points out that trying not to have fantasies is in fact the great hidden hazard in couple relationships. He says that the problem is not having unrealistic expectations, rather the problem is the self-criticism and embarrassment about our fantasy that prevents us from talking about them with our partner. This is best illustrated with a case study example.
Laura and Tom* – a case study
Laura has been feeling emotionally disconnected from Tom, her husband of four years. Tom is a lawyer who has been putting in long hours at work for the last two months. She feels neglected because he comes home late on most nights and works even on weekends. When he is at home, he spends most of the time watching Netflix rather than engaging with her.
Despite her feelings, Laura tells herself that she should be understanding of Tom and not nag him to spend more time with her. The last thing she wants is to be seen as needy and emotionally dependent on him so she decides to do her own thing and not disclose that she’s been feeling deprived. Instead she daydreams about the lovely honeymoon they had in Bali where they stayed at a five star resort and were able to focus completely on each other. She remembered experiencing real intimacy with him during that time.
One night when Tom is particularly late coming home, Laura’s feelings of frustration have built up to an extent that she blurts out her idea to him about them returning to the resort in Bali for a two week holiday. Tom’s response is not what she wants to hear. He points out that he is flooded with work and does not know when the case he is working on is going to end. Besides, he reminds her, they agreed to put expensive holidays on the back burner until they had knocked a good chunk off their hefty mortgage. Laura feels so deflated by Tom’s response that she ends up defending her fantasy wish, saying that at least she is trying to do something to save their deteriorating relationship. She accuses him of being selfish and uncaring which inevitably leads to a fight.
Using fantasies as clues
In his book After the Honeymoon, Wile points out that fantasies are clues to the existence of wishes and disappointments in people. And the nature of these fantasies reveals the nature of their wishes and disappointments. Here are some examples:
Fantasy: Daydreaming that your partner would greet you at the door in a warm, loving and affectionate way.
Clue: I’ve been feeling neglected.
Fantasy: Imagining living alone and only doing what pleases you.
Clue: Agreeing to do more than I really want to for my partner or family.
Fantasy: Daydreaming about having great sex with an imaginary lover.
Clue: I’ve been missing the intimacy we used to have.
But, according to Wile, people hardly ever think to use their fantasies as clues. Instead they spring into action in a similar way that Laura did. Like most people, Laura responded to her frustration in the sphere of reality by imagining gratifications in the sphere of fantasy. In other words, her suggestion of a fortnight in Bali was an exaggerated compensation for the emotional deprivation she was experiencing. And when Tom was not receptive to the idea and gave her a reality check at the same time, she felt embarrassed about her fantasy wish and then got stuck in defending it and accusing him of being uncaring. Unfortunately, as typically happens with feelings that have been held back, when they do emerge, most people express them in the form of accusations which triggers a negative interactional cycle
An alternative way of looking at fantasies
Wile suggests a new way of looking at fantasies. As it is now, they’re seen on the one hand as something that you shouldn’t be having and, on the other hand, as something that your partner should be fulfilling. Laura’s problem is not her fantasy wish but her self-criticism and embarrassment about the fantasy which prevented her from confiding in Tom about it. Confiding in him about it would have been a more helpful way to deal with how disconnected she felt.
The risks and the benefits of talking to your partner
Wile recommends talking about the underlying fantasies. There is of course a risk in doing this. Most of us are aware that if we raise a sensitive issue with our partner, he or she is likely to get upset and may react in a way that is likely to get us upset. Unnecessary conflict is what we wish to avoid. However, there is also a clear benefit in talking more openly with our partner. Here’s how it might have gone:
Laura: I’ve been daydreaming about having another holiday in Bali, you know, like the time we had on our honeymoon. I know it’s not realistic, but we felt so close to each other then and lately, I’ve been really missing that.
Because Laura expressed her idea as a fantasy wish, Tom doesn’t need to provide any reasons for why such a suggestion is impractical. Because there is no accusation, it also allows him to also share something about how he’s been feeling.
Tom: I know what you mean and in fact I’ve been feeling really guilty that we have had so little time together lately because of my job. I’ve also been missing feeling close to you but just didn’t know how to tell you. Frankly, I’ve been so exhausted that I haven’t had energy for much else outside of work. At times, I just want to quit my job, so that you and I can pack up everything and go travelling overseas without a care in the world…
Notice that because he didn’t feel the need to defend himself, Tom then also shared his fantasy wish with Laura. She could then have responded in a way that would have led to a positive interactional cycle.
Laura: I had no idea that you have been feeling so pressured and trapped by your job…I’ve been so caught up in feeling neglected that it didn’t even enter my mind…
Laura didn’t approach her fantasy wish as suggested above. But even though what she did do led to an argument, all is not lost as she could have gone back to it later, using the fantasy as a vital clue to her emotional needs in order to have a more helpful conversation.
The benefits of talking even if your wishes are not fulfilled
It may seem as if nothing has changed. Laura’s fantasy wish is not getting fulfilled and it looks like it’s not going to be. Tom is too much in need of respite himself to offer much to her. But Laura and Tom are doing something that partners rarely do. They are confiding with each other about their unrealistic, impractical fantasies, without accusing each other of not fulfilling them and they are listening to each other’s fantasies without feeling responsible for fulfilling them. By doing so, they got their intimacy back, at least for the moment.
The irony of it all…
Laura and Tom are certainly not alone. All of us have hopes, dreams and fantasy wishes (that we want fulfilled by our partner) because they are inevitable accompaniments to life. It is part of the human condition that most of them will remain unfulfilled. Among other reasons, it may because at the time, both partners need to be loved and cared for so neither is able to give love and caring the other wants. But if we help each other in feeling that it’s okay to have these wishes then we wouldn’t have to emotionally withdraw. Intimacy is the result of talking. It is hearing what’s on your partner’s mind and telling your partner what’s on yours, particularly if what’s on your mind is that you don’t feel intimate at the moment.
Fortunately, as Wile points out, it’s irony of the human condition that the very act of sharing unfulfillable fantasies may go a long way toward fulfilling them. It is not difficult to understand how this might happen. It might take no more than a fragment of real satisfaction, a kind, reassuring word from the person you’re closest to, to make the fulfilment of the fantasy wish no longer necessary.
*Laura and Tom are fictitious characters created for the purpose of this blog post.
Source:
Wile, DB. After the Honeymoon. Collaborative Couple Therapy Books, 2008.
