The director of RWA Psychology, my Beecroft practice recently asked me to participate in a video to talk about the challenges of social isolation on couple relationships. I was also asked to provide suggestions on how couples can minimise the impact of heightened stress associated with being cooped up together during the Covid-19 crisis. To watch the video and read the accompanying blog post, please click on these links:
https://www.facebook.com/580095148677309/videos/660851738045463/
https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/equipping-your-relationship-to-survive-self-isolation/
Doing both the video and blog post got me to reflect on a number of related issues, one of them being the feelings of loneliness inevitably experienced by many people during this difficult time. Despite being an aspect of the human condition, loneliness is one of the most painful emotions we can have. Feeling lonely is an entirely different experience from being alone. Solitude can be a source of solace, comfort and often a necessary condition for creativity. But for many people, there is no separation between being alone and feeling lonely. When they are alone, they feel lonely.
There are so many different reasons, circumstances and situations in life which might trigger the feeling of loneliness. People who live alone, who have gone through a break-up or lost someone they care about often experience loneliness. Equally, there are those who fill their life with activities and engagements only to return to the same feelings of loneliness when they only have themselves for company.
Because loneliness can be such an agonizing experience, it is understandable to fear it and to react by desperately seeking to escape from it. The most common action we take is to reach out for distraction mainly by seeking the company of others. The busyness of many people’s social lives is indicative of this tendency. Yet reports of loneliness and isolation even from those who surround themselves constantly with people suggest that it is not a panacea. Another common way for people seek to alleviate the discomfort of loneliness is through physical and sexual intimacy. Common examples of these are casual hook-ups, rebound relationships and affairs. Although these perceived solutions may afford temporary relief from loneliness, they often create more complications and lead to circumstances which trigger even more emotional pain (for oneself and others) down the track.
This is not to say that an authentic connection with another cannot be an effective balm to easing a sense of loneliness. After all at a biological level we are social animals and it’s therefore in our nature to gain personal identity from, and to experience a sense of belonging that comes with being part of a group that has shared interests and/or common values whether it be family, friendships, social and sporting networks, even our workplace. Also there is no denying our need for attachment. For many of us, the emotional pain of loneliness comes from not having a significant other with whom we can genuinely experience safety, comfort and acceptance. At an even more fundamental level, we are seeking are responses from another which validates that our very existence matters.
Whilst a meaningful connection with another human being through friendship and companionship is clearly essential to our self-identity and well-being, equally, I believe it is unhelpful to believe that another person is the cure for loneliness. This is because the source of loneliness is not always external even though there are circumstances in our life which may trigger that feeling. The fact that being alone in of itself does not necessarily trigger loneliness tells us that loneliness is not dependent on other people being around us.
Through the practice of mindfulness meditation (in my case, guided meditations on the headspace app), I have discovered that finding a greater sense of peace with a difficult emotion involves looking inwards rather than looking for a solution externally. The challenge is giving up the resistance towards, and the temptation to move away from loneliness. Although it is natural to fear getting lost or overwhelmed by it (which we will do sometimes), in trying to get away from that feeling of loneliness, there is no opportunity to really understand it and get comfortable with it.
By allowing ourselves to be present with the feeling of loneliness as it is, we can more readily explore the underlying factors that drive it. We are likely to find that there are complex emotions and patterns of thought driving such feelings. The themes of these story lines typically relate to lovability, worthiness, loss, shame, sadness and fear. Ironically it is our attachment to these narratives that create a sense of separation from the rest of the world such as believing that we are the only person who suffers from loneliness.
We can only be lonely as an individual if we think about ourselves as being separate from others and the world around us. Recognising the story line behind loneliness clearly, enables us to step back and to let go of it and in doing so facilitates the creation of a space for us to experience a sense of connection with others even when we are on our own because we are always connected by a shared human condition. This reminds us that none of us are actually free from experiencing emotional highs and lows and times of joy and sorrow throughout our lives. It encourages a sense of empathy, so that we are not only thinking about how we feel but also about how others might be feeling which paradoxically results in a natural sense of connection. Not only does the acceptance of our shared humanity help to alleviate the feeling of loneliness but ultimately we also find a sense of comfort and peace with the situation we are in, no matter what’s created and caused that feeling of loneliness.
I started this post by referring to the impact of Covid-19 on people’s emotional lives. These unprecedented times have undoubtedly triggered feelings of loneliness for many. Although we cannot control much of what is happening around us, we can learn to be open to the pain of loneliness and by doing so, find a path to our fundamental human connectedness.
