In my work as a therapist, I often talk to my clients about their emotional ‘landmines’. So I was excited to find a chapter about this very topic in Dr Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight. Those who have heard of Sue Johnson will most likely be familiar with her work on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT is a therapeutic model founded by Dr Johnson which uses Attachment Science to increase our understanding of how we develop as human beings. It focuses in particular on how our emotions, ways of thinking and acting and habitual ways of engaging with others are shaped by our most important relationships. This research-based model draws on the principles of attachment theory as a map to simplify the emotional life of adults and to make sense of the problems and negative relationship cycles that keep us painfully stuck.
As humans, we tend to blame others including our partner for our unhappiness if things don’t work out. However, if we are interested in having fulfilling relationships with significant others, we need to get beyond the surface narrative and dramas to understand our “dance” with them and our part in reinforcing unconstructive interactional patterns.
Much of the material from this blog post is drawn from Sue Johnson’s book and the focus will be on romantic love relationships.
A few words about attachment…
Attachment is the innate drive to find someone to whom we can emotionally bond. It is wired into our genes and bodies and is essential in keeping us alive. Maintaining close proximity to a few precious people is an adaptive and effective survival mechanism in the evolution of the human species. Whether we are aware of it or not, our emotional attachment to our loved one offers us a shelter in life, bolstering our physical and mental health.
It’s no surprise then that when that significant other is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we are left feeling abandoned, alone and helpless. Losing connection with our loved one jeopardises our sense of security and we experience emotions such as anger, sadness, hurt and above all, fear.
For those of us with secure bonds, a disconnection in the form of disagreements or arguments with our partner is generally experienced as a momentary glitch. The fear quickly dissipates as we realise that there is no real threat or that our partner will reassure us if we ask. But for those of with weaker or fraying bonds, the fear can be overwhelming. We are flooded by primal panic driving us to generally do one of two things: to become demanding and clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner or to withdraw and detach in an attempt to protect and soothe ourselves.
‘Raw Spots’
Regardless of whether we have a secure or insecure attachment style, raw spots have the potential power to rock all of us emotionally. In her book, Dr Johnson refers to what I call “landmines” as “raw spots”. In keeping with her language, I will also use this term for the post. A raw spot is defined as a hyper-sensitivity formed by moments in a person’s past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored or dismissed resulting in a person feeling emotionally deprived and deserted. It is a particularly tender spot in our emotional skin that is easily rubbed and deeply painful. When this raw spot gets chaffed or scraped, our emotional balance is lost and we typically react by lashing out in anger (rage) or defensively numbing out and shutting down (withdrawal). These reactions mask the emotions that are central in vulnerability: sadness, shame and fear. People can have more than one raw spot but there is usually a main exquisite sensitivity which gets rubbed in different situations and contexts.
Raw spots being rubbed together
It goes without saying that we are all vulnerable in love. Our emotional guards are down with those we love and because of this, we will hurt each other with careless words or actions. It is inevitable that we will rub against each other’s raw spots. However most of us are not even aware that we have raw spots, not to say recognise when we rub each other’s raw spots. We are only aware of our secondary reaction to the irritation. If you find yourself becoming highly reactive and continually stuck in negative interactional patterns with your partner, it is most likely sparked by attempts to deal with the pain of a raw spot, or more likely, raw spots in both of you. Scrape one in your partner and his or her reaction often irritates one in you.
Raw spots in action – a case study*
Here is an example of how raw spots are simultaneously rubbed.
Tom grew up witnessing a lot of conflict between his parents. His father had a short fuse and would often raise his voice in criticism and anger at his mother who reacted by silently withdrawing. He was very worried about the state of their marriage, fearful they would break up but feeling helpless to fix their problems. His parents were so preoccupied with their marital issues that they were not emotionally available to Tom. He wanted to feel closer to his mother but she remained emotionally distant although she did attend to his practical needs. He often felt lonely, insecure and lacked confidence in himself. Life became better in high school because he was good at sport. He formed good peer relationships and was quite popular with his class mates.
Tom had a few romantic flings as a young adult prior to meeting Jess at university. He was instantly attracted by her warmth and expressiveness and they started a relationship fairly quickly. They had a good sex life initially even though Tom’s sex drive was higher than Jess’s. After university and on finding employment, they happily agreed to take the next step by moving in together.
Two years on, things looked very different for Tom and Jess. Not only were they feeling increasingly disconnected but their fights had become more intense and bitter. The tension between them almost always centred around sex. Tom noticed that not only had the frequency of sex dropped off dramatically but more and more he was the initiator. On the occasions that Jess did agree to have sex, she seemed disinterested and disengaged which really upset him. He felt rejected and reacted by lashing out and criticising her for being sexually unresponsive. Feeling extremely angry and hurt by Tom’s behaviour, Jess protected herself by shutting down and sharing less of her thoughts and feelings with him. She had grown up with controlling parents and was determined not to let him get to her. Her aloofness provoked Tom to start arguments. On occasion, when Jess couldn’t hold in her feelings, she and Tom would have a huge fight during which they would say extremely nasty things to each other. Feeling stuck with no idea about what to do, they were on the verge of ending their relationship.
Where do they come from? How did they develop?
Raw spots are typically a reminder of past emotional wounds. These sensitivities frequently arise from wounding received from relationships with significant people in our past, especially parents who give us our first model for loving relationships. The source of a raw spot may also be relationships with siblings, other family members, friends and of course, past and present lovers.
In a current intimate relationship, they can crop up when the need for support from our partner is particularly intense such as during big transitions or crises but doesn’t come so we feel especially emotionally deprived or deserted. They can also develop when a partner seems chronically indifferent, producing an overwhelming sense of hurt that then affects even small issues.
People who have grown up in the haven of secure, loving relationships will have an easier time healing when a raw spot is rubbed. Their raw spots are few and not so deep. And once they understand what underlies their negative interactions with their loved one, they are more able to step out of them quickly and soothe the hurts. For others though who have been abused or badly neglected by those they have loved or depended on, the process is longer and more difficult. Their raw spots are so large and so tender that accessing their fears and trusting in a partner’s support is an enormous challenge.
How and why we get stuck
The failure of a loved one to respond scrapes our emotional skin raw and it hurts. In our efforts to protect ourselves, we end up behaving in ways which often leads to power struggles. Disguised and distorted messages keep us from communicating clearly about what we need or how much we care and also make it harder for our lovers to respond. If we are to increase the chances of our partner lovingly responding to us in these moments of disconnection, we need to send clearer messages about our attachment needs to them. All too often, we disguise our vulnerabilities through defensive reactions so our partner never truly sees us.
We are naturally reluctant to confront our vulnerabilities. Most of us have been raised in a culture which reinforces independence and self-sufficiency as signs of maturity. We are supposed to be strong and invulnerable so our inclination is to ignore or deny our emotional needs often more so to the people we are close to because we believe it will make us less attractive. We also recognise too that admitting vulnerability may put us at risk of being taken advantage of by the person who has the most power to hurt us.
Conversely, when we are the loved one, we are also not good at hearing our lover’s calls for attention and connection and to respond with caring. There are several reasons why we fail to acknowledge signs of distress in a partner, even when the signs are obvious. Much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners because of being distracted or caught up in our own agendas. Often we react with a tone of anger and frustration because we are unsure how to respond effectively. Or we may not want to acknowledge or get caught up in our lover’s vulnerability because we feel ambivalent about confronting our own frailty and needs.
Uncovering raw spots together
Let’s get back to our case study couple. How can they learn to deal with their raw spots in a way that brings them closer rather than pushing them further apart?
If Tom and Jess are to take steps in building a stronger connection, they will need to identify and cease their destructive ‘dance’ in which Tom attacks and Jess withdraws. This is commonly known as the ‘pursuer-distancer’ cycle.
Next, they will need to find and soothe their respective raw spots and help each other do the same. As you may have picked up, Tom’s raw emotional skin was scrapped by Jess’s increasing disengagement and distancing especially in the context of their sex life. He was feeling abandoned and this acted as a trigger for intense emotions he felt as a child including fear, helplessness and loneliness. For Jess, Tom’s verbal attacks triggered similar emotions within her but she hid them well through her pattern of unresponsiveness. Learning to tune out from her feelings was helpful early in life because it shielded her from harsh parental criticism and control.
To really understand their raw spots, Tom and Jess will need to attune to the deeper emotions that are the keys to their respective sensitivities. These emotions need to be explored, expressed and unpacked in a way that allows each of them to respond with care and love to the other’s hurt. Only by tuning into each other’s distress with openness and presence does the work of repair and reconnection happen. If they are unwilling to do this or don’t do this effectively, they will revert to their usual defensive response of anger and numbing that gives each other completely the wrong message.
The truth is, we will never create a strong and secure relationship if we do not allow ourselves to be known fully. It limits how we connect. It is frightening prospect but reminds us that real love is not the stuff of fairytales or Hollywood but requires courage and trust.
Resources
Johnson, S. Hold Me Tight. Piatkus, 2008.
Below is an excellent video which demonstrates the parallel dance of connection, disconnection and reconnection between mother and child and two adult romantic partners which is at the heart of human attachment. Love Sense: from Infant to Adult (Sue Johnson and Ed Tronick) - YouTube
*Tom and Jess are fictional characters but their issues are drawn from my clinical experience.
