I recently came across a man who is faced with an interesting dilemma. He told me that he had been in a three year relationship with his girlfriend. He explained that he loved her but he just wasn’t sexually attracted to her and never had been, not even in the beginning. The girlfriend made it clear that she wanted a long-term commitment from him and was pushing to get engaged. The man felt confused as he was questioning whether or not he should commit to a relationship in which he felt little sexual attraction to his partner.
Whilst love doesn’t always start with a strong physical and sexual attraction, it certainly helps to draw people together. A person’s physical appearance and the way they present themselves are usually the first things we notice about them. If we find someone physically and sexually attractive, it sparks our interest to get to know him or her better. So, if you aren’t experiencing the level of physical attraction toward your new love interest, should this be of concern?
Give the sexual/physical attraction time to develop
Although Hollywood would have us believe that true love starts with people being drawn together like magnets when they first meet in typical Romeo and Juliet style, it can take time to develop this physical attraction as you get to know each other mentally and emotionally first. When people talk about the spark or clicking with somebody, they’re not necessarily talking about a physical attraction but a mental one. The more you get to know each other on a non-physical level, the more the physical attraction may grow on its own. This is largely due to the fact that beyond just their physical appearance you’ll come to appreciate the ‘essence’ of the person, that indefinable quality or ‘felt sense’ which is special to each individual and separates them from every other person you know.
In reality, many romantic relationships start without initial sexual chemistry. Maybe you and your partner are one of those couples. If so, then you know that sexual attraction doesn’t always come automatically but can take time to develop as you get to know each other better and start to value each other’s unique characteristics and personality traits.
But what if you have given the relationship time and there is still no sexual attraction? Is it possible to develop these feelings down the road? If you were never physically attracted to your partner, will you ever be?
These are difficult questions to answer as human beings are complex creatures and what drives our sexual interest and attraction is not only unique but often times beyond our awareness. Perhaps the best place to start is to consider why you picked someone with whom you experienced little or no sexual attraction.
You value other things rather than sexual attraction
In our Western culture, an emphasis is placed on physical/sexual attraction and emotional/intellectual compatibility when choosing a life partner. It may therefore surprise us to learn that other cultures do not consider these aspects as important in selecting a spouse placing greater value instead on other factors such as wishes of the family and a potential partner’s social status, educational level and financial resources.
In many parts of the world including Asia and the Middle East, arranged marriages are still the norm, with the choice of one’s partner being dictated usually by the traditions and expectations of the culture and society in which they live. The individual’s parents and extended family play a central and significant role in determining the choice of marriage partner. Individuals brought up in a more collectivist society tend to not place great value and importance on their individual needs and wishes and therefore do not regard the lack of sexual attraction as a deal breaker.
You had differing needs at the time you entered into the relationship
Many relationships begin for reasons other than because of physical/sexual attraction to the other person. In such cases, the person is usually seeking to have their needs for security, stability and emotional intimacy met. A typical scenario is when one person is experiencing a challenging period of their life such as grieving a loss or undergoing a personal crisis. Given emotional needs are great during these times, they may enter into a relationship in order to have their needs for comfort and companionship met. Once these needs change or shift, the lack of physical/sexual attraction becomes more apparent (even if an emotional connection to their partner has developed) and doubts about the long term viability of the relationship arise.
You are over-correcting for past relationships
If your past relationships were unstable but sexually fulfilling and you now find yourself in a relationship that's emotionally stable but lacking sexual chemistry, you may be using your current relationship to over-correct for past relationship mistakes. You have come to regard emotional stability and sexual satisfaction as mutually exclusive. This can be incredibly confusing because you are unsure whether you are truly attracted to the person for himself or herself or are merely reacting to an unwanted pattern.
Before deciding the fate of your current relationship, you need to take some time to learn more about yourself and the root of your dualistic relationship mentality. Once you have reached a better understanding about the factors driving your choice of intimate partners, you'll be better equipped to decide whether to continue in your current relationship with a new approach, or to end things with your partner.
Can such a relationship work? Should you stay or go?
If you’ve given sexual attraction the space and time to blossom yet you’re still not into your partner, then you are confronted with a difficult choice. Ultimately, staying in a relationship is a very individual decision and perhaps context driven.
Despite our human need to, and attempts at categorising love (into various types), in reality, the nature of love is so highly complex and multi-faceted, it is impossible to capture all its myriad manifestations. For this reason, an individual can definitely be in love with someone without feeling sexually attracted to them.
If you choose to stay with your partner, then you need to be aware that such a relationship poses a unique set of pitfalls and problems which both of you need to be aware of, and to address as they arise.
What if one feels it and the other one doesn’t?
It certainly makes things simpler if the partners are both on the same page. By this I mean that both of you place a higher value on aspects of the relationship that work well and make a conscious choice to form a connection with little or no passion or eroticism. After all, some couples are contented being in a relationship in which sex only plays a small part. That’s fine as long as both parties are fully clued in to the other’s priorities, preferences and feelings.
Of course this type of relationship does not work well if it is a one-way street. That is, if one partner is sexually attracted to the other and therefore expects their partner to behave and respond in ways that demonstrate that they are sexually desired and wanted. Strife ensues when there is a difference in needs and expectations which are not fully understood or communicated.
Sexual problems
Even if both partners do not place a premium on sexual attraction, inhibited or low sexual desire leads to a potential for sexual problems to occur such as conflicts over sexual initiation, sexual infrequency, desire discrepancy and sexual dissatisfaction. There may also be a higher risk for sexual dysfunction including arousal problems (erectile dysfunction in males) and inhibited orgasm. These issues are likely to pose problems particularly for couples wishing to conceive a child.
What if you fall for someone else in the course of the relationship?
If you do not feel sexually attracted to your partner, then there is always the risk that you may meet someone down the track with whom you experience strong sexual attraction. This is not to say that this does not also happen to people who find their partners sexually attractive. However in the latter case, the sexual attraction is less likely to be acted on because it’s not missing in the relationship with their partner. Your relationship will definitely face difficulties if you find yourself falling for someone else.
If all else fails? - How honest should you be?
If you have been struggling with this issue for a while (which in itself should tell you something), then it’s best to be honest with yourself about how important sexual attraction to your partner is. Denying or minimising it often results in deceptive behaviours which will ultimately erode the goodwill in the relationship. Time is also being wasted—time you both could use to find someone who ignites a spark.
So if after much reflection and consideration you have decided to end the relationship, a conversation with your partner is not only appropriate but essential. After all, there's a good chance your partner is wondering if something is wrong and though the news is upsetting, they might also be relieved to have it out in the open.
So, how does one tactfully tell their partner that they are not sexually attracted to them?
This is not going to be comfortable for you or your partner. Be prepared for your partner to feel deceived by your verbal and non-verbal actions to-date especially if you have led them to believe otherwise. In response, offer a heartfelt apology and express your concerns regarding continuing in a relationship in which this ingredient is missing. It’s important that you own and take responsibility for what you need. It’s not a crime that you don’t feel sexually attracted to your partner but want to find that with someone else. Your partner may try to talk you out of it by suggesting that your attraction will develop. Unless you truly believe so, do not agree to giving the relationship more time as this will only raise their hopes and expectations and drag things out even more
If you care about your current partner, then hurting them and the process of breaking up is inevitably painful. There is simply no easy way out of this situation. Bear in mind that by taking these actions, you are freeing your partner to find someone else who will better meet their needs. At the end of the day, that’s what we all deserve.
