Perfectionism is all around us. We only have to look at our phones, turn on the TV or pick up a magazine to find pictures, images and advice about how we should look, what type of job we should be in, the lifestyle we should strive for and the amount of sex we should have. The pervasive presence of social media and the social comparisons it elicits set the standards which many of us attempt to live up to.
Most people would regard perfectionism as healthy and desirable. And there is no doubt that diligence, commitment and persistence are behaviours often necessary to accomplish something worthwhile. Yet research has shown that the recent rise of perfectionistic tendencies in people has been linked to a disturbing increase in psychological disorders. This is because perfectionism isn’t just behaviour – it’s a way of thinking about oneself.
Perfectionism defined
Perfectionism involves putting pressure on ourselves to meet particular standards which then influences the way we think about ourselves. Perfectionists set unrealistically high standards for themselves and others. They are quick to find fault and are overly critical of mistakes. They also tend to procrastinate and avoid out of a fear of failure. The three main aspects of perfectionism are:
- The relentless striving for (self-imposed) extremely high standards that are personally demanding.
- Judging self-worth largely on one’s ability to strive for, and achieve such unrelenting standards.
- Experiencing negative consequences of setting such demanding standards, yet continuing to do so despite huge personal costs.
There is a big difference between the healthy and helpful pursuit of excellence and the unhealthy and unhelpful striving for perfection. When taken too far, it can lead to negative outcomes because the kind of pressure exerted to do well can actually impair performance. Perfectionists do not view failure as a critical part of growing and learning and they do not see that by avoiding mistakes at any cost, it will lead to procrastination, a tendency to avoid challenges which may then hold them back from performing effectively and productively. This is the paradox of perfectionism.
Furthermore, it makes the individual particularly vulnerable for poor mental health as not reaching the standards they set for themselves (which may be unachievable anyway) sets them up for feeling like a failure. Therefore, pursuing these personally demanding standards can have a significant impact on wellbeing, and can lead to social isolation, frustration, worry, depression, eating disorders, relationship difficulties, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, insomnia, poor physical health and even sexual problems (which is the focus of this blog post).
How does perfectionism develop?
The main reason that people become perfectionistic is related to the way they see themselves and the world. Our view of ourselves and the world starts to develop in childhood and is influenced by early experiences in the context of our family, school, peer group, society and culture.
Perfectionists have had experiences that lead them to develop a view of the world that encourages the pursuit of unrelenting high standards (e.g., “I must never make mistakes”). Common early experiences that can influence its development include:
- Direct learning through reward and positive reinforcement: Receiving praise as a child for doing something well feels good and may result in the setting of very high standards for oneself in order to continue receiving such reinforcement. This may form the basis for the development of a more generalised belief such as: “People admire me if I achieve” which over time can become rigid and inflexible such as “People will only admire me if I am successful”.
- Direct learning through punishment and lack of positive reinforcement: Being punished as a child for mistakes can also influence the development of a belief about never making an error or failing. Also, rather than being punished, sometimes, it is an absence of praise which sends just as powerful a message that one must achieve to gain people’s approval.
- Modelling: Another way that perfectionism can develop is through indirect learning also known as “modelling” as we may learn to act in a particular way based on the way we see our role models behaving. For example, parents who prioritise their work life ahead of family time may foster the belief in a child that “Achieving at work is more important than anything else”.
There is evidence to suggest that an individual’s temperament may also influence the development of perfectionism. Temperament refers to the characteristics and aspects of personality that we are born with or innate which affect the way that we think, react, and behave. Studies have shown that people who avoid seeking out novelty, who are highly dependent on rewards from others, and who persist towards goals despite frustration and fatigue, are more likely to develop perfectionism.
The secret life of a perfectionist
In my work life as a psychologist, I have met many people who are perfectionists. Typically, they do not present at my practice asking for assistance in becoming less perfectionistic. Rather, most of these clients make the decision to seek therapy because they are struggling with other psychological issues such as health anxiety, insomnia, poor body image and relationship and sexual problems.
Many of them are high achievers who have developed a successful career in their chosen field or are living their ideal lifestyle. Their seemingly “perfect” external life is however a contradiction to their inner life which is driven by an endless pursuit of accomplishments or making a positive impression in order to gain approval and validation from others. Yet, their ability to celebrate their success is short-lived because they never reach a level of achievement at which they are satisfied or content. This is because in reality, perfection is an impossibility.
Underpinning a drive for perfectionism is often a sense of inadequacy, founded on feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem. And here lies the core of perfectionism. Perfectionists do not believe that they are worthy of love for just being who they are. They expect others’ affection and approval to be dependent on them looking flawless or delivering exemplary performance.
Perfectionism in the bedroom
By its very nature, sex puts perfectionists in a risky and vulnerable situation for “failure”. Although there are commonalities, sexual perfectionism is usually experienced differently by males and females.
For males
Rather than a form of self-expression, fun, eroticism or intimate bonding, male perfectionists view sex as “performing sexually” 100% of the time. The process of sexual performance involves obtaining and maintaining a firm erection sufficient to engage in sexual intercourse (for the desired duration) culminating in orgasm for all parties. Unfortunately, this competitive, autonomous and performance-oriented model of male sexuality is reinforced as the dominant narrative at a cultural level. So embedded is this idea of an erection as a symbol of masculine power that the word “impotence” was only recently changed to describe erectile dysfunction.
Most men are surprised to learn that an erection (and ultimately orgasm) occurs through physiological relaxation. The autonomic nervous system experiences a need to “perform” as an internal alarm (psychological pressure), activating the sympathetic branch of the nervous system to mobilise the body to ‘fight or flight’. Blood flow is then diverted to certain parts of the body (rather than the genitals) in preparation to deal with the perceived danger or threat. As an erection is facilitated by a process of blood flow into the penis (followed by a mechanism which then prevents it from leaving), at a physiological level, this can only occur when the microscopic muscles that surround the arteries in the penis relax. In short, the pressure that is applied in approaching sex as a performance is the same pressure which subverts erectile and orgasmic functioning. This is commonly known as “performance anxiety”.
Furthermore, the capacity to experience high levels of subjective (psychological) sexual arousal is impaired by performance orientation as it is a distraction from focus and attention to erotic cues. Recall from my earlier post on Mindful Sex that sexual experience is optimal when mind and body are working in a connected and synchronised fashion which is described as the ‘erotic flow’. Having a single-minded focus or immersion on your erotic experience is required to create, maintain and intensify your sexual arousal and this cannot happen when you are concerned about achieving a particular outcome.
For females
Women are not concerned so much by performance as by response which can also lead to “response anxiety”. Historically, females have been socialised and conditioned as emotional caretakers, so it’s probably not surprising that there is a lot of care-taking also going on in the bedroom. Just as men are concerned that they need to perform to give their partner an orgasm, women may also feel similar pressure to feel sexually aroused and to achieve orgasm to validate their male partners. Of course, it doesn’t help that sex portrayed in film and in erotic and romantic fiction always flows seamlessly and perfectly, with both partners feeling highly and equally aroused and sexual intercourse always culminating in mutual and simultaneous orgasms. In reality, female sexual response is highly variable and dependent on numerous factors and for that reason, women are typically not bothered if they don’t feel sexually aroused and reach orgasm on every occasion they engage in sexual activity. Most women value the emotional intimacy aspect of sex more than the actual act of sexual intercourse but are concerned about producing the right response to validate and please their male partner.
Perfectionism does mean however that the way women see their bodies can have a big impact on their feelings of sexual desire and their ability to become aroused. Negative body image is one of the biggest inhibitors of sexual enjoyment, desire, and responsiveness in women. If a woman feels like her body is unattractive, it leads to lower sexual self-confidence, which then often leads to avoidance of sexual activity. The more she critically views her body, the more anxiety she will feel about being seen and touched and the less able she’ll be to lose herself in the moment and enjoy the erotic stimulation and pleasure that sex affords.
In short, sexual passion can only be experienced if an individual is connected to their sexual self and through that process, is able to connect to another by the giving and receiving of sexual stimulation. Perfectionism (in whatever form) creates a distraction from the attention and focus on erotic cues that is pivotal to the enjoyment of sensual and sexual pleasure.
Less perfect…more human
If you have suffered from perfectionism most of your life, it will not be an easy or simple task to let go of this entrenched pattern of thinking and behaving but it can be done. Perhaps a helpful starting point is to remind yourself that perfectionism (however compelling it feels) has been your default strategy to defend against, and compensate for, a sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. This deep emotional wound is what ultimately needs to be healed so that you can start to appreciate your intrinsic self-worth which is a part of being human. Embracing our basic humanity means that we accept our unique qualities, innate strengths and resources as well as our fundamental limitations. Living life as a human involves becoming more engaged in our moment-to-moment experience and less about performance.
The road to being a non-perfectionist may be long and challenging yet is a journey worth taking. You will know that you have turned the corner when you are able to:
- Relinquish some impossibly perfect ideal of how your life should be.
- Let go of the external comparison mindset that has been driving your perfectionistic behaviours.
- Challenge negative self-judgments which underpin the need for perfect performance.
- Use compassionate self-talk when experiencing emotional difficulties and discomfort.
- Establish an authentic meaning to your life by getting in touch with, and using your personal values to guide your actions.
- Learn to risk being vulnerable with people whom you wish to have a deeper relationship.
- Appreciate that your intrinsic self-worth/value is not based on external standards such as achievement, social status, wealth or physical attractiveness.
- Recognise that an endeavour can be worthwhile even if it’s not done perfectly.
- Remind yourself that people want to relate to you as a human being, not as a performer.
Again, this process cannot be undertaken perfectly so if like most people you find yourself stuck, please do not hesitate to enlist the help and support of an experienced therapist.
Sources/Resources
- Centre for Clinical Interventions has produced excellent information sheets and a workbook on Perfectionism - Perfectionism Self-Help Resources - Information Sheets & Workbooks (health.wa.gov.au)
- The dangerous downsides of perfectionism - https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise
