Hollywood and social media would have us believe that if we were once sexually attracted to our partner, the same attraction will stay forever without effort. In reality, it’s not uncommon in long-term relationships for attraction amongst partners to dissipate. There was once sexual attraction but the spark has died.
If you’ve noticed that your feelings of attraction for your partner have faded, you’re certainly not alone. It does not necessarily spell the end of your sex life or the relationship but you will need to understand the factors driving it and find ways for navigating this tricky issue.
Whilst it is expected in long-term relationships for attraction amongst partners to decrease in the context of real life, most couples are able to rekindle some of that spark under the right conditions including sufficient time, feeling relaxed and having a romantic setting. This accounts for why so many couples report having quality sex during their holidays. Such experiences are a reminder to couples of the importance of setting aside time in their busy lives for reconnecting at this level. We cannot afford to be complacent in this regard as the opportunity to take a holiday does not conveniently present itself when needed. The same attraction will not last forever without effort put into nurturing it on a regular basis.
It’s a different matter when you have lost all sexual interest in your partner. There are many factors for why sexual attraction dies. Some have to do with specific changes within a person over time that has altered their attraction to their partner. If you were relatively young when you got together with your partner, you might find that the attraction you had at the outset for them has faded as result of your own personal growth and maturity.
Other reasons pertain to the relationship itself. Relationships are fluid rather than static and evolve based on normative changes as well as extraordinary life events that affect the sexual attraction that initially existed. These include emotional and/or sexual betrayals and a lack of communication over what turns each other on which then leads to sexual boredom.
I have chosen to highlight three issues which I commonly hear about in my clinical practice.
Repressed anger and resentment
Poorly managed relationship conflict can breed resentment if not worked through in a fair and respectful manner. Unexpressed or suppressed anger translates to decreased attraction and leads to distancing from your partner. Anger driven underground due to a power imbalance in the relationship is commonly seen in women and often manifests in a loss of sexual desire.
Historically, women are taught to preserve the harmony of their relationships at the expense of defining a clear self and taking a position on important matters. In her book, The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner talks about how many women typically stay silent or become tearful or “hurt” in situations that might realistically evoke anger or protest. The accumulation of a storehouse of repressed anger ends up trapping or shutting down their sexual and creative energy. I highly recommend this empowering book to any person (not just women) who is struggling with the personal costs (such as a loss of sexual desire) of not expressing themselves from a clear and authentic place.
Too much familiarity and comfort
Stability and security are important ingredients in a healthy long-term relationship, but getting too comfortable with each other can make the partnership feel overly predictable and therefore stale.
It’s all too easy for busy couples to unconsciously slip into being task-oriented. People may become stuck in their specific daily roles, of parent, caregiver etc. and consequently communicate with their partners from the same mode, rarely stopping to nurture the erotic side of the relationship. In other words, you stop interacting like lovers. Long term, this can change the way we see our partner and the way they see us. The feeling of too much familiarity means that many people start to view their partners as family members rather than lovers which is clearly anti-erotic and spells disaster for sexual attraction.
In an earlier blog post, I made reference to the work of Esther Perel who has raised our awareness of the paradox between love and desire in human relationships. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, good intimacy does not necessarily translate to good sex. The ideas and experiences which support the concept of love are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle sexual desire. Eroticism according to Perel is fed by novelty, adventure, playfulness and mystery. It abhors what is customary, comfortable and known which are the ingredients which nurture love. Perel notes that couples who know how to maintain an erotic spark also understand that sex provides them with a way to get in touch with feeling alive, vibrant, vital and energetic. This is different from living your life in functioning mode however effective.
Emotional fusion and a lack of separateness
Connected to too much familiarity with one’s partner is being emotionally fused with them. Emotional fusion describes a state of emotional oneness or ‘stuck togetherness’. A couple is emotionally fused when they are operating out of a need for approval and validation, or from a fear of rejection. When this happens, it is difficult to have arguments or even discussions as two separate, unique individuals because there is little room or tolerance for differences. Over time, this pattern becomes entrenched and you end up with two needy people who are highly dependent on each other yet stifled by their lack of psychological space. Again, Perel reminds us that the way we construct closeness often collapses into fusion which impedes the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual desire.
Mutual erotic attraction requires that each partner views the other as being separate from him or herself. This explains why sexual desire is usually at its peak at the beginning of a relationship when both partners still view themselves as two distinct entities. The psychological space created by this inbuilt distance allows sexual desire to flow freely.
If you are emotionally fused with your partner, you will need to start working on reclaiming more of your distinct self within the relationship. Paradoxically, good sex will return when you are more emotionally and intellectually separate. This may involve cultivating different interests from your partner as well as developing separate friendships. If you normally retreat from conflict you might need to learn to hold your position in an argument and express your true feelings with respect (for yourself) and clarity rather than allowing them to be dismissed. By learning to define a clearer self in your relationship with others, you will get in touch with your life energy and ultimately feel a resurgence of libido.
Taking steps to rekindle the spark…
In summary, if you’ve noticed that your feelings of sexual attraction for your partner have faded, don’t assume that you will never get it back or the relationship is beyond repair. In some instances, there might be little chance of recovery because sadly, long-term resentment has eroded all of the goodwill which once existed. However, generally, it is possible to revive the feelings of attraction in a relationship but it requires a commitment from both partners and honesty to examine, and work on the underlying issues.
If your attraction has dissipated over time, then you need to have an honest and open conversation with your partner. This is understandably going to be highly uncomfortable but hiding your feelings will only serve to drive them further underground and detract from your sexual attraction. If you have been avoiding sex due to withheld negative feelings, you will need to start a conversation to express your feelings and explain the reasons to your partner. If you have noticed that your partner has checked out emotionally and sexually, you will need to create a safe space to inquire about how have they have been feeling about you and the relationship. This will require an approach of openness, softness, curiosity and above all empathy and a willingness to take responsibility for your own attitudes and actions.
As this process will feel overwhelming and too hard for most individuals and couples, the help of a couples’ counsellor or relationship therapist is often necessary to make the requisite shifts from long-term, entrenched patterns.
Resources
A good place to start is to learn more about the factors which inhibit sexual desire and to see how they relate to your situation whether you are the person who has lost sexual desire or the partner of someone who has. Here are three authors and their books which I have found extremely helpful as resources on this topic.
Harriet Lerner is a clinical psychologist and an internationally renowned author of numerous books on the psychology of women and family relationships including The New York Times bestseller, The Dance of Anger. I find Lerner’s work particularly useful as it is based on family systems theory, a therapeutic model used to understand individuals and their problems in the context of their relationships with significant others and their role and place in their family of origin system.
Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity – Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. This eye-opening and brilliantly written book is not a sex manual but rather an illumination into the complexities of the erotic mind. It has helped me significantly in understanding the sexual crises faced by many of my clients. Esther’s work can also be accessed through numerous YouTube videos and podcasts.
Rosie King’s book, Good Loving, Great Sex is a practical guide to addressing relationship problems which erode sexual desire and provides useful tips about how to revive sexual attraction and get your sex life back on track. It is especially helpful for dealing with the sexual pursuer-distancer cycle.
